On the outside looking in

 

In nine days this house will become merely the "permanent address" for our oldest son who, for the next four years, will live someplace else...mostly. On the surface I act like I always do, which is to say that I freak out over the details. I stay on top of the paperwork. I make sure that once we get down there for the New Student Conference there isn't something we've overlooked that will mark and maim his first few weeks at school. His clothes have been purchased. The laptop is fired up and he has spent the last week loading enough i-Tunes on there to last until we have a new President. Gas card? New car? Checking account? Bedding? Check. Schedule created? Yes. Desk lamps? DVD/TV? Fridge? Yes! Yes! Yes! I've done so much reconnaissance work on the dorm room and getting him to decide on the classes he's going to take that I can almost believe I'm doing it for me. I can imagine that those are my classes and my professors and my campus...at one time...they were/it was...but now this time belongs to him and, except for the writing of the checks, it's almost time for me to start minding my own business.

But underneath I'm a mass of emotions and none of them are very productive. This week I have had three consecutive nights of insomnia and Nixon-esqe sweating and aside from everything I've accomplished this week I've also managed to piss my son off almost every single day.Things have been rather rocky, to say the least. I have to say goodbye again tomorrow morning to him and to his middle brother and Mr. Half as they fly to Florida and then--on Bimini Airways--to the Bahamas for a week-long sailing trip with the Boy Scouts. What part of me isn't scared pants-less over the prospect of their watery adventure during hurricane season (and I only need to see "Titanic" once to know that WATER KILLS!!) is turning me into a fire-breathing, seven-headed monster of envy-puking jealousy.

My sons have learned and experienced a lot through scouting and the person in this family who has had to make the biggest sacrifices to make those come true...aside from the one who has earned all of the money to pay for everything?  I'm not gonna lie...it's me. Being left behind to wave the bus/plane/boat goodbye and to cheer them as conquering heroes when they return takes incredible acting skills and, truthfully, Hollywood isn't shredding any hankies over my absence...just so you know. There may be women who are grateful to escape the grimy clutches of a mountainside tent for a weekend of girlie shopping at Macy's, but I am not one of them and I've gotten many laughs when I say that, were I to divorce Mr. Half, I would be naming Boy Scouts of America in the suit. I kid! I kid!

Sort of.

Anyway! When they come back that means I really only have two days. 48 hours, people! Not much time at all to do a safety check for all the things the oldest still needs to know before he leaves us. And mostly what I need him to know is how hard I've tried. (Hey...don't forget that I was the one who taught you to read. Call me!) I was not wired to stay home with children on a daily basis. That's really something that his father would have been better at, and the fact that I can pretty much rise up from the sandbox after 18 years, dust my knees off, and see that both of us (all of us) are still alive is nothing short of a miracle. I'm a mother who yells. A lot. I know it and I OWN that fact. But, just like the t-shirt says, "I yell because I care". And kiddo?  You'll never know just how much. When you're lying in your dorm room late at night and it's really quiet (okay...maybe one night it will be quiet) I know you'll miss your brothers and your dad. I know they're at the top of your list right now. But I also hope you'll miss me too. Because I'm already missing you.

* This month's banner features the main lecture hall of the building on campus where Greyson has three of his classes. Yes, I'm having trouble letting go. Here's the front.

Comments

[daysgoby]

We're beginning this, on a much smaller scale,here - C enters school soon and I can't shake the feeling he has a job now...

All this to say - (and it's pretty cliched)
You've given him wonderful, wonderful roots, S.
And from those, he'll take flight and love his wings.

[daysgoby]

Dare I say something about girls standing in line? Probably not the time to give you that little bubble of upset, huh?

Handsome guy.

[Antique Mommy]

Nixon-esque sweating! Ha! I'm old enough to get that. And the rest? You wrote it so well that I feel it right along with you. I'll be there myself in 15 years short years.

[Steff]

OMG...I have those feelings over my oldest entering 6th grade.

I need that tshirt...because I'm a yeller too!

[slouchingmom]

This was beautifully written, and also so helpful for me to read as a reminder of what will come.

You've seen this boy-man through eighteen years! Yay, you. That is something to be proud of, even if the men in your family aren't thinking to tell you so.

[Nancy]

Yikes. I can't imagine, though I've got kindergarten coming up so I'm having a few twinges of what the future will be like...

But as Slouching Mom said: it's your accomplishment too. He will do so wonderfully thanks to your influence and excellent parenting.

[Amanda]

Simply exquisite.

[Gina]

I have no words of comfort to offer you.

But can I join you in the puking-envy of a trip to the Bahamas? We will just forget the little part about sailing. It's a frickin trip to the Bahamas!

And, I definitely yell more than I should.

Hugs.

[Becca]

So so sweet. I was so surprised to see how sad my mom got when they left me at school my freshman year (she had to go wait in the car to compose herself). Now I get it. And mine's only 9 months old.

[V-Grrrl]

I remember looking forward to leaving home even as I dreaded it. And the first thing I did when my parents left the residence hall was find a quiet place to have a good cry.

You're all being pulled in a dozen conflicting directions physically and emotionally. And the Boy Scouts? I'd be screaming and yelling--really. When do you get to pursue your special interests or travel?

I am not a person who thinks life is TOTALLY about enriching the kids at everyone's else's expense. Every now and then I say, What's in it for me? And I don't apologize for that. I like to imagine that that helps all of us build character. Ha, ha, ha. Maybe I'm just selfish.

[Spamboy]

As long as you don't also acquire the Nixon-esque five o'clock shadow, then I think you'll get through the experience just fine. Congratulations on getting the oldest to college -- maybe in eighteen-something years, I'll ping you for some advice.

[Jay]

When I left for college (and my sister transfered to the same college that year) my mother was such a wreck that she really wasn't able to help with anything. She couldn't even drive the 90 mins to the campus with up to help us move in. LOL

[Ortizzle]

Well, godspeed to Greyson. A son very well-raised who will do you proud, and if he doesn't, I am sure that the worst of it will be a month of dirty laundry that you spend all weekend washing the first time he comes home from school.

(((Hugs))). Have a glass of Pinot, dear. ;-))

[shelley]

The summer before I left for college, my mother and I were practically at each other's throats. I'm convinced that it's because I needed to assert my independence (while denying that I would miss her horribly), while she was pretty much just panicked about my growing up and leaving home and (theoretically) not needing her any more. As soon as they actually dropped me off at my new dorm, all went back to normal. I don't know if that's exactly what's going on for you and Greyson (btw, I adore your kids' names), but I'm willing to bet it's not too far off the mark. It's no fun now, but I can pretty much guarantee you that things will improve a hundredfold once he starts school. Meantime? Don't forget to breathe.

[elise]

Awww, this was sweet and honest and I loved it.

One word of comfort - doesn't almost every child/parent relationship get SO MUCH BETTER once the kid has moved out of the house? I know that's been the case for me and my siblings and most of my friends.

So maybe the best is yet to come :)

[Karen C.]

You are so right on!

My daughter left for Syracuse two years ago, and in a couple weeks, my son is leaving for Butler.

I'm thanking God that I still have my 13 year old 'caboose!'

You'll be fine, eventually.....

[Mom101]

Nixonesque sweating conjures the perfect image. My sympathies.

And escaping the grimy clutches of a mountainside tent for a weekend of girlie shopping at Macy's? Nevah.

Bendels, yes. Fred Segal, yes. But Macy's - lord, no.

[CircusKelli]

Aw, darlin. I don't know what more to say than ((hugs)).

[platypus]

My heart goes out to you: I have some understanding of how you feel since Stumpy started at boarding school. We fought continually over the summer before she left and I even thought I might be a little relieved that she'd gone but, no. I cried, didn't eat and felt utterly bereft for weeks. I have come to learn that it's the same after every summer when I have seen her for 8 weeks or so, although maybe not as bad as the first time. I am not looking forward to the day when I don't even get those 8 weeks. Hugs to you. x

[Nance]

In a couple of weeks, my eldest leaves for his final two years of college after doing a stint at a ju.co. here. I alternate between not being able to wait until he leaves and wondering what it will be like without him. There are days when it is identical to The First Day of Kindergarten all over again, and I just can't think of where all the weeks and months and years went.

[boogiemum]

Hi, it's been a long time since I stopped by your place. I thought I would catch up and the first thing you do? have me crying.

Transitions are always hard, but maybe "the best is yet to come"

[Mrs. Chicken]

I can only imagine how this feels. The Poo is only 2 and I already dread this day.

It sounds to me, however, like you've raised a wonderful young man who is going off to meet his destiny.

How can you top an accomplishment like that, especially if you weren't "wired" to stay home but did so anyway.

Congratulations on your graduation day.

[mamatulip]

I read this when you first published it and was kind of at a loss for words, knowing exactly what you mean but not really knowing how you feel, because your child is so much older than mine and I have a ways to go before I'm at the 'going away to college' doorstep.

And I still am kind of at a loss for words. It's a time flush with excitement and with wonderment...and sadness. It's bittersweet.

[kim]

Damn it you're making me well up! A friend's son(1st of 4) leaves next friday for college and she is exactly where you are.

And the not being wired-yeah me too. And here come the tears again!

[Tink]

Oh he'll miss you too... When there aren't any clean clothes or when he gets sick of eating fast food. I'm kidding! You're his Mom. No matter how much he enjoys the freedom, you're still a huge part of his life. He just may not admit it. ;)