For Better or For Worse.

Mr. Half and I had only been married a short time before I made a disturbing discovery about him. He has sensitive skin. And when I say sensitive I really mean that even the tender flesh of a baby's bottom which has been marinating for hours in a fine ammonia-soaked diaper full of...erm...infant body product is tougher than the skin my husband's back.

For that reason we can only sleep on sheets of 100% cotton and there can be no cheating on this front because even if I were to switch the manufacturer tags on another set of sheets that said 50/50 (Cotton and...ssshhh!...polyester) HE WOULD KNOW ( HE WOULD KNOW!!!) and his cries of pain could be heard throughout all the land. Once when we were engaged, I was awakened in the night by the sound of his screams which turned out to be a scorpion that had crawled into our bed and had stung him on the leg and even though that's a pretty good excuse I can attest that the wearing of any kind of clothing that contained acrylic or heavy wool or polyester (No esters!! Of any kind!!) would produce the same kind of tormented vocalization.

I am so not kidding.

For this reason I have become a professional clothing label reader, but not for the reasons one might think. Rather than scoping out the fashionable tags that might boast a lofty provenance as such as Yves St Laurent or Ralph Lauren, I'm policing every article of clothing for the slightest hint of anything that might be scratchy/itchy...or possibly?... deadly.  Because it's probably not a really well-known fact that prolonged skin exposure to something as innocent as raw silk (Only because some joker feeds the tiny silkworms a case of granola instead of their favorite savory mulberry leaves which, as we know, produce the softer kind of silk) cause so much friction that the delicate areas under the human arm form disgusting ulcers within minutes ( SECONDS!!) and then gigantic blood blisters begin to sap the body of all of its precious immunities before exploding and then it's pretty much downhill from there.

Occasionally I suggest that Mr. Half try and wear something that is 80/20.  But I usually have to distract him with something shiny first and then show him what's on the hanger. "Look honey! See the pretty shirt? Doesn't it look nice? So soft looking too? Mmmm. Pretty, pretty shirt! Soft shirt! Soooo soft!"

He'll cast a suspicious eye in my direction and bark, "What's it made of"? Once I bought him a perfectly normal silk t-shirt. Not raw...just regular. The kind normal people wear, but then he complained that the embroidered design on the back scratched him and that it was pure penance to wear it. Torture! Did I want him to suffer? Why did God afflict him so? Why? WHY????

Yes...he uses lotion. Many, many different kinds of lotion. Enough lotion to make Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb look like a scaly, flaking mass of walking eczema. Again...completely serious.

When I make jokes about his wussy skin terrible affliction which he soldiers through with such bravery and determination, he reminds me about the time when he was in First Grade and his mother made him wear a horrible shirt that caused him no end of physical torment. To mere mortals it appeared to be a regular shirt, but to Mr. Half it was a garment forged in Hell's Sweatshop...carefully woven (on a flaming loom of rusted fireplace pokers) from barbed wire, jagged glass and the filings from Satan's cloven hooves. And he cried every time he had to wear it.

I think it's <whispers> all in his mind, but you didn't hear that from me. Repeat this and I'll force you to wear the Hairshirt he swears I bought him for Christmas. YOU'LL WEAR IT AND YOU'LL LIKE IT!!

EDITED TO ADD THE FOLLOWING:

On the off chance that there are others "tsk tsk-ing" me for making fun of my husband, please know that I wrote this with his blessing and he laughed when I read it to him. He does not have a skin condition that causes him to explode into a mass of boils and he does not suffer from skin allergies to anything with perfumes or dyes. No welts/bumps/sores mar his lovely skin. Unlike me, he does not break out when he decorates the Christmas tree (allergy to firs) and he doesn't swell up when the cats "hook" him with a helpful paw of greeting, though I do. He doesn't sunburn any easier than I do and his skin isn't particularly flaky or strange. He is, however, a red-headed person and certain fabrics feel scratchy and he doesn't enjoy it. I, however, can pretty much sleep on anything that isn't a burlap sack. I buy the sheets he likes and I'm careful about the shirts I get for him also. That said, I think it's okay to giggle a little over it and so does he. The End.

Comments

[Don't make me come down there, missy!!]

How offensive.
How terribly terribly offensive.
How can you callously mock those of us who have delicate epidermii (okay, I don't know how to pluralize epidermis, but that looks good to me) and ask only that our spouses show a bit of concern and tenderness toward us and our HORRIBLY MISUNDERSTOOD CONDITION THAT IS REAL!!??
I must use expensive, scent-free detergents and dull bland base cream. I can only use Pears Soap - the official soap of Queen Elizabeth.
This is my cross to bear.
Rest assured I still like you, mostly cos you made that awesome Buffalo Bill reference. Again...completely serious. Or not.

[Sueb0b]

I know you're being funny and I loved your post, but I feel hubby's pain.

My skin is not terribly sensitive, but the rest of me is. Many colognes and scented body products make me feel as if someone has punched me in the face. If I can hear 2kinds of music playing at once, I can't think!! It is an affliction.

Here's a website about it:
http://www.hsperson.com

[daysgoby]

A friend of mine would call your husband 'a delicate @#$%ing flower'

Mine cries in pain at the teg in the back SCRATCHING HIM. CAN I NOT FEEL THE PAIN.

No, Honey, I'm too busy pointing and laughing. 'Cause I'm THAT kind of wife.

Great post, S!

[CircusKelli]

Awww, poor, poor Mr. Half. He is (and his sensitive skin are) a man of particular tastes, obviously.

[Chris]

Isn't cotton the fabric of our lives...or something? ;)

[OddMix]

I fell your hubby's pain! And my wife mocks me just like you mock him. But it's real, I tell you! The suffering is intense!

*whimper* *sniff*

K. I'm done now.

[Loving Annie]

Good Thursday morning wordgirl.

Try sheets from Lisa Galimberti in Florence. They are awesome.
Chateau du Sureau in Oakhurst, CA. carries them...

Also, try and see what kind of bedding the 16 room Les Mars Hotel in Healdsburg, CA. has -- they were also utterly exquisite...

[Fold My Laundry Please]

My husband insists on a higher thread count in our sheets. I, however, am fine with the cheap Walmart, 180 thread count sheets. Hubby, however says he has a hard time sleeping unless the sheets are at least a 400 thread count! Men can be such wimps! And don't even get me started about when they get sick!

[Spamboy]

So when Mr. Half passes into thenext life and it's time to mummify his remains, will you use good ol' Egyptian muslin soaked in the fertile waters of the Nile? Or will you have to instead soak him in angel tinkle first, then run unicorn powder on his skin? Enquiring minds want to know.

[Kathy/ Lessons from the Laundry]

My husband, who hardly ever reads my blog, mocked me in a response yesterday! I think it keeps the whole marriage real. And I think everyone of them has some issue or quirk - don't we all?

[Her Bad Mother]

My Bad Husband is always convinced that I'm making fun of him on my blog. Which I am, kinda. But all in love, of course. :)

[clickmom]

If he thinks cotton is softest let him try SOY. Seriously, I touched a pair of SOY pants in a hotel gift shop and became spontaneously aroused. I purchased said SOY product which was nothing I would ever wear out of the house (pink lounge pants) and wore them until they stood on their own. I fear washing their softy soft goodness out, but will happily report to you after the next laod, cause they are going in. Really, go SOY, go now.

[Dawn]

Sister, your talking to the chick whose husband WRAPS THE FRUIT!!!

And who frequently calls me into other rooms with the command "Can you smell something?"....

We have married delicate hot house flowers of masculinity

[Cakehead]

I would have never thought you were mocking him with anything but love!

Great story :)

[Ortizzle]

Mr. O. is also very picky about fabrics. Anything that is the slightest bit scratchy goes back where it came from. He can't stand the labels/tags in the inside neckline of shirts, either. I have to take them all out with a seam ripper before he will even put the shirt on. *sigh* I feel your pain. And theirs! :-)

[V-Grrrl]

My husband insists all new clothes be washed before he'll wear them. And my darling daughter? The most delicate skin in the world. Everything is unbearable to her.

[Elizabeth]

I feel very bad for Mr.Half! That must be so hard on him. Does he wear those cotton Fruit of the Loom tshirts that have the label printed on instead of sewn in? Can he then wear a shirt with a tag over it? I am not making fun of your husband one bit, unlike all these other big meanie commenters of yours :)

[TB]

Yup, count me among the sentitive skinned as well. I have to use prescription creams and salves on mine and I still erupt in hives or rashes pretty frequently. It sucks.