Don't Say It Unless You Mean It

Many, many thanks to Sandra of Not That Desperate for bestowing me with a Thinking Blogger Award. The fact that four days out of seven I can pull something from the lint trap of my brain, paste it here and have it be mistaken for cogent thought is high praise indeed. I do appreciate the...er...appreciation and-- when pressed-- I guess I could say that I do a pretty "okay" job of representing my little corner of the world, such as it is. While much is going on AROUND me these days, there's not all that much happening TO me personally and finding interesting tidbits to write about is a lot like making the proverbial Kate Spade handbag out of a sow's ear. In other words, boring. For example: The father of each of my children is the same man AAANNND I know who it is. So...Zsa Zsa Gabor's elderly husband? You can put that phone down right now because no one wants to hear from you (including me) and besides that....EEEWWW!

I'm making it a mission this year to find gainful employment so that I can stimulate the growth of more neural pathways to stop the wrinkles in my brain from smoothing out so incoming information has a place to land and take root rather than skimming over the slippery surface where it crashes into a dark wall of my skull and dies a lonely death. Also, I need a life AND the money would be nice, too. I'd love a desk right next to Jim on "The Office" because he's so lovely to look at I know he'd be the most qualified guy to train me, but I'm so desperate that I'd settle for a seat next to Phyllis...or the red-headed woman who drinks all the time.

But my real purpose today was to ask a question: Does it irritate you when people say things that you know they don't mean? Sure, some of the things we say every day are just reflexes. The cashier at the store tells us to have a nice day and we say, "You, too". Of course, we want that person to have good things happening to him/her, but the manner in which we say it is just something automatic. We don't really give it much thought and when we see that person again in a week (or, in my case, 45 minutes later because someone in our house forgot they needed posterboard), we don't ask them if they remember that time we wished them a good day and if, in fact, it turned out to be one. It is...like so many other things...forgotten.

But how many times have you read a blog comment where after reading something funny that person says that they just spit coffee/juice/white wine/water/iced tea all over their keyboard. Really? Did this really happen? Because if it's really taking place as often as I read it then there are a lot of drippy keyboards out there right now. Is it not enough to tell someone that what they wrote was funny without claiming to have shorted out an important component of their computer?

At my mother's 70th birthday I was standing with her and one of my cousins who was expressing her amazement that my mother was as old as she was. She wanted to convey that my mother didn't look 70 and said so. That should have been enough...but it wasn't. She proceeded to say that my mother looked SO NOT SEVENTY that she could pass for someone in her sixties.

Okay...uh... maybe...sort of...I guess.

But then my cousin added "Or you could even be in your fifties or....forties...even".

(Blink...Blink...Blink)

And I am standing there in (at the time) all my 46-year old glory and unable to unhinge my jaw because...HELLO!!!...I'm in my forties and there's no way my mother looks anywhere near my age and I want to point out that there are worse things in life than looking one's age but it's my mother's birthday and pointing out the obvious is sort of a depressing present, plus my misguided cuz has sailed to another corner of the room to no doubt spread more insincere compliments to the unsuspecting. Perhaps to challenge my my mother's elderly (85) sister to a game of hoops? Who knows?

It would have been fine if she had just said "You look great" and left it at that. But she had to say something that wasn't anywhere close to the truth and, to me, that's just insulting our intelligence. What do you think? Has anyone ever lobbed something like that at you and you knew it was SO NOT THE TRUTH. Tell me about it.

Now...get out of here and have a nice day. And when I say it...I really, really mean it.

Comments

[anna]

Your blog is so much fun to read. It makes me roll around on the floor laughing. Out Loud even! By the way, you look lovely in that outfit. I'm sure it would look even more stunning on someone else.

Seriously though, Congrats on the award. It's well deserved.

[Ortizzle]

Congratulations on the Award. You deserve it.

The previous two sentences were in no way forced; they are entirely sincere and come bereft of any ulterior motives. They do not represent a formulaic response spoken out of politeness or a sense of social duty, nor were they written in the spirit of "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours." LOL, laughing out loud, but not spitting out any food or drink I was in the middle of consuming :-)

Yes, it is so irritating (and ultimately depressing) when people make up B.S. and think you will actually believe it. It's insulting to your intelligence not just because it is not even remotely feasible, but because a lot of the time, (and this is what gets my goat), they are just trying to butter you up for a favor they are going to ask you further on down the road.

[L.A. Daddy]

I make it a habit of not saying, "Fine" whenever anyone asks how I am. Because everyone says Fine. Everyone can't be fine or there would be world peace, ya know?

So, instead, I say, "I am not unwell."

Always freaks 'em out...

[Loving Annie]

I had a policeman tell me that he drove by my house 3 times a day when he was on patrol in my neighborhood.
He knew I liked him.
What he didn't know was that I had security cameras outside of my house -- and that I had watched them on motion snesor -- and he had only driven by once in every three weeks.

So he TOTALLY lied. Just to manipulate me.
It sucked.

[Nina]

Well, I'd comment, but it might sound insincere. hahahha
Just joking.

[Jay]

Congrats on the award. Awards are nice. If you're into that sort of thing. ;-)

I don't really think much about this. I can generally tell is somebody is being sincere or if they're just trying to blow sunshine up my ass.

Sometimes people may go overboard, but if their intentions were good it doesn't bother me.

[elise]

Oooh, I totally do hate this. In fact, I hate most insincerity, and it was one of the weirdest things to me when I started Interneting. All the LOL's and the ROFL's and the OMG!!!'s - they all were like beacons of fakeness, as far as I was concerned.

I still rarely use an LOL, unless something really and truly did make me laugh. Out loud.

I guess the most annoying untruth that gets thrown my way on any kind of a regular basis is at my work. I own a women's clothing boutique, and not only am I ACTUALLY young, I LOOK even younger. Not like someone who would own anything except maybe a Gwen Stefani cd or two. Anyway, every once in a while, older ladies will come in the shop and talk amongst themselves about the clothing in the store, and how "this store MUST have changed hands; nothing looks like anything I'D wear," and other such sentiment. Inevitably, I have to deal with a salesperson or the UPS man or see someone I know at that very same time, so the ladies usually end up finding out that I, in fact, am the "hands" they were speaking of.

Instead of skulking away, which is what I think they should do, they usually (I guess they're hoping I am not only young, but deaf?) try and tell me how LOVELY the store is, how PRETTY, and UNIQUE. They ask me where I get the clothes, do I do all the buying? Because they LOVE IT, they really do.

Ugh. It absolutely reeks of insincerity. I have to bite my tongue every time.

[elise]

Oh! And congratulations on your award, for real. I meant to say that before, but in the novel I wrote you, it got left out :)

[bubandpie]

I did make an audible snorting noise while reading this post. Fortunately for my keyboard, I wasn't drinking a beverage at the time.

What I hate the most is when I answer "Fine" when I had expected someone to say "How are you?" but in fact they said something else.

i.e.

Cashier: Hello. Did you find everything today?
Me: Fine.

[Heather]

We were just talking about a similar topic over the weekend - how some words have lost their power because they've been so over-used. Like "awesome" and "miracle" and "exceptional". Once you've used a pinnacle type of word, where can you go from there? Same thing with compliments - they end up a little empty if overused.

[Annie]

I wrote a post a while back about a gal I know who would tell me, every time we ran into each other, "We want to have you guys over for dinner." And she didn't mean it AT ALL. Just say hello and move on. Really. I don't want to eat with you anyway.

And congrats on the award. I love the way you turn a phrase. And I really mean that.

[jen]

hmmm.

insert foot into mouth (and no, i didn't actually DO that)

but i might try and see if it's even feasible.

[ewe_are_here]

Yes, insincere complements re my appearance can really bug me. I know I look tired and like crap at the moment... don't tell me you'd never know I just had a new baby because I KNOW you're lying! Grrrr.

Congrats on the award!

[kim]

My m-i-l gets pissed when people tell her that she looks amazing for her age-the implication being that she's old as hell.

I never compliment unless I mean it, but I do make an effort to actually say it if I think it. I am very free with showing the love so my tight ass reserved Southern family calls me a suck up.

[TB]

I have what I like to call a finely tuned bullshit detector. Everyday insincerity, like the offhanded comment doesn't bother me so much because I just assume some people don't realize they're doing it.
What really bugs me is when someone goes out of their way to say something they don't really mean. That's just like lying as far as I'm concerned.
As a result, I would rather endure an awkward silence than to ply anyone with false platitudes or have them do the same to me.

[Nance]

Oh, come on. I teach high school. I am the recipient of Eddie Haskell-like insincerity on a daily, almost hourly basis. (Hoo boy, am I dating myself there: a "Leave It to Beaver" reference.) In the classroom, I usually smile sweetly and say, "Oh dearest, you know I don't believe any of your crap."

[anne]

Congratulations on your award.

My pet peeve on insinserity is perfectly displayed by one of my co-workers. She will gush all over former clients when they walk in the office, even though she rarely remembers who they are. The foot lands in the mouth way too often (ie. "Oooooh how aaaaaarrrreeee you? How's your mooooother? Oh, I didn't know she passed away. Oh, three years ago? Oh.")

[Erin]

Unfortunately, in some situations it is impossible to not say something socially acceptable. You have to respond to what was just said to you instead of walking away. Sometimes I wish I could, but it would be rude. So I wind up trying to say something gracious and fail miserably because I know that I didn't really just mean that. The trick to being gracious is to say something nice and actually mean it from the heart.

[Antique Mommy]

I'm 47 and have a 3YO,as you may or may not know. The other day someone well-meaning idiot told me that "You don't look that much like a grandma" Which makes me wonder what they'll say when I'm your mother's age.

[Amanda]

Oh, insincere comments.... "Oh, you're wearing that top to the party? Oh, I mean, like, yeah, totally fine, it's such a nice top! I love it! Really, no you should wear it... it's great...."

Um.

I overuse LOL. If something makes me think about laughing, I use LOL. If I actually laugh... Its ROFL.

Now I feel like I should stop it... and so many of my sentences look empty without their trusty friend LOL to complete them....

[V-Grrrl]

I try not to roll my eyes or smirk when people say stupid ass things like the comments to your mother. Please.

I try to keep my own comments real...

And in that vein, I'd just like to say my favorite part of this post is where you describe the wrinkles in your brain as smoothing out, leading to fears that incoming new information won't have a place to land and will slide into your skull.

Now that's a SWEET turn of phrase. And I mean that.

[Jenny]

That thing you wrote about spitting water all over your keyboard was so funny I accidentally ate my monitor and rammed my speakers up my nose.

(Okay, not really, but it did crack me up.)

[jess]

You think in inspiring ways and comment in lovely ways. You totally deserve it.

[mamatulip]

Dang, I'm gonna think twice the next time I say I've just sprayed coffee all over my computer screen. I think I do that a lot. Oops.

(I listed you as one of the bloggers that makes me think a while ago...you know. Just sayin'.)

[the reluctant ADDult]

That is so AWESOME about your award! You are the best writer, EVAH.

Okay, I'm done.

I hate having to make small talk. I try to ask enough questions to move the conversation along, but sometimes it is like pulling teeth. It makes me vastly uncomfortable, and in my nervousness I usually say inappropriate things or offer more information about my life than anyone really wants to know.

(So shut up already, right?)

One thing that bothers me as much as insincerity is when someone says, "It was the least I could do." Why do we aspire to do the very least? I like to say, "It was the most I could do," and mean it.

You are a thoughtful writer. There is a difference between writing about the mundane aspects of life and being boring, or writing about those same passages and reminding us that there is grace, humor, disappointment, and revelation to be found in ordinary life. This, you do so well. Thank you.