I'm severely blocked at the moment. Any ideas I have about writing are shot out of the saddle before I even have a chance to begin forming the first sentence. I'd like to think this is because I've got so many things going on that my brain cells are too compromised, but everybody knows I don't really use my brain on a daily basis. What parts I do use have been pressed into duty helping oldest son write a dissertation-style paper on Sigmund Freud. I have this much to say: German psychology translated into English is still dense and hard to understand. The end.
I do have something to report, though I feel a little small in even mentioning it. Have you ever had a friend or family member whose presence, however rare, creates an interesting combination of anticipation and dread in the pit of your stomach? Perhaps they make you feel self-conscious. You believe they judge you and find you inferior. They enjoy talking down to you. The books you read are bourgeois and so are your clothes. They enjoy insinuating that, sure, your kids are polite, but you probably use Draconian methods to make them that way. They're the masters of passive-aggression.
You'd love nothing more than to boycott their visit...except...except... for this one detail: They're family. And because they're family, you also possess the knowledge that, despite their judgement and superior airs, they're in a sad kind of crisis state. They like ragging on you about your kids because their own are a mystery to them. Especially the oldest who they believe is marginally autistic. This is the same family who cannot abide flaws. They need for you to believe that their son is perfect, but it's pretty obvious that there's something wrong with him. To deny his diagnosis (in order to maintain the illusion of superiority) is to leave them wide open to criticism about his bad behavior. It makes them cranky and they strike out. You know that things aren't as perfect for them as they'd like you to think...but you can't really unleash a defensive tirade against, even though you'd like to. You'd love to just tell them what you think of them, but it's the husband's family and it's really his job. Just like it's really your job to verbally smack around members of your own family, when the occasion calls for it.
And even though you dread their visit like a plague of locusts, there's a certain unidentifiable emotion that feels a little like anticipation. See, you know the family will gather and people will act as though they're glad to see each other...and then someone (okay...it's my brother-in-law) will find it necessary to make a crack. Maybe it will be in front of you and maybe it will be, like last time, behind your back. You'll hear about it later on, like I did, when your 12-year old tells you that his uncle took him aside privately and asked him if he felt his parents (us) were forcing him against his will to endure the orthodontic device he has to wear right now. Huh???? Yeah...it puzzled me, too. My kid was a little flabbergasted and wasn't sure what to say except: "Uh...no?"
See the BIL is all about treating children (ALL CHILDREN) as though they are tiny adults who have the wisdom and the right to decide every little thing in their lives and to NOT allow your pre-school child to ride in his grandmother's new Lexus with muddy shoes (because he dislikes having his shoes cleaned for him) is akin to raising your child IN A GULAG! To send your child to a school that uses a bell system to signal the end of class is to stanch the creative flow. It's so much more insightful to send one's child to a place where there is no such thing as "being late to class". How much better it is when the entire class is made to wait while your child finishes his drawing of an airport! So unlike my child's public school that uses deadlines for homework and where not everyone is a genius who spent his first two years of life watching only "Baby Mozart" on tv. So...if the child doesn't like water to touch his head in an attempt to wash his hair, then he must know enough about hygiene to live with smelly, tangled hair. And wearing the same pair of green socks for two weeks? Why not? Sometimes it makes me want to do the petty thing because their presence sucks so much oxygen out of the room. Everyone pretends not to think it's weird for my SIL, the mother of a six-year old kid, to announce that her son will most likely attend the Rhode Island School of Design...as those of us with high schoolers discuss their kids' future plans. I don't think her kid even knows what college IS at the moment, but she's desperate for him to appear "normal" and so we won't think about the socks and the hair and the obsessive-compulsive behavior. Meanwhile, I want to make a big sandwichboard to wear that lists the great things my kids have done, because I'm competitive that way and I'm--quite frankly--sick of the family going along with the fantasy that this kid is a baby genius and the rest of his unfortunate cousins are knuckle-dragging morons.
Yes, I'm aware that I have issues.
But when they announce a visit (and no--thank the sweet Lord--they don't stay with us), I get this jumpy little feeling and I start thinking about what will happen or what might happen. And then...I start to smile a little...inwardly...where no one else can see me. Why? Because family intrigue is, like my own sister said one time, like dinner theater, and every family has at least one or two individuals who enjoy flying their freak flag 24/7. You can't change what's going to happen. Disaster is a certainty. Like a pop-quiz, you can prepare for it just so much, and then things will pretty much just happen the way they're going to. Why fight it? It's infuriating and stimulating, too, but it is never, EVER, boring. Someone's going to say something or do something completely outrageous and the rest of us will find a way to excuse ourselves into the next room and collapse with laughter over the absurdity of it all. Oh...and a glass of wine always helps, too.
Every family has its bringers-of-conflict. Who are yours?
Oh God, don't get me started on the people who allow their preschoolers to decide for themselves whether they want to brush their teeth or take the antibiotic or, ahem, wear clothes. I don't want to make the comment box explode with all I could write about that topic.
Let's just say I had a regular visitor to Chez V who slightly intimidated me while also driving me insane with comments and actions that displayed loads of social ineptitude, inconsiderateness, and passive-aggressive behavior. When I was young, this hurt me because I was so conditioned to need approval and not challenge people. And then I hit my 30s and started lobbing their crap right back at them.
I would no longer play along with "The Emperor's New Clothes" scenario that kept everyone else in the family silent, pretending everything was fine and we were having a good time.
I didn't make scenes but I refused to be silent. I challenged what the person said when I thought it was ridiculous and I called them out when I thought they were rude.
I guess you could say I became a co-star in the family drama. Am I glad I took this path? You bet. There's a time for shutting up and letting things go, but that time was OVER. This person was too big a personality to ignore. I just felt if we were to continue to have any sort of relationship, it was going to be on new terms.
Posted by: V-Grrrl | November 06, 2006 at 12:51 AM
My sister K has always - as long as I remember - been a drama queen. We're talking MAJOR drama, huge histrionics over the most minor event. She's also been one of those people who love to say about themselves "I just call 'em as I see 'em. I don't pull punches. That's just me."
insert mini-rant: "That's just me" is the single LAMEST EXCUSE for shitty behaviour going. "I'm sorry I'm late. I'm always running a few minutes behind, That's just me." "Sorry I was rude. I just have to be honest. That's just me." "Sorry I disappointed/betrayed/hurt you. I'm not good at friendships/relationships. That's just me."
You know what? Don't be that way, then. If that's just you, you need to change. If you recognize your behaviour is unacceptable, STOP DOING IT. Because your behaviour is not your character. Your behaviour is about choices. Make different ones, or stop sharing my air. /End mini-rant.
Now, we're a large family, and we've learned how to accomodate K's behaviour; typically, avoidance is a popular choice. Move to another room when she gets rolling. She'll run out of gas and behave normally soon enough.
Except my wife comes from a small family. They don't do avoidance. They do "Yeah, well fuck YOU and everyone who looks like you. Strong letter to follow."
/insert mini-rant: Honestly - I have no patience with people who can't bite their tongues, can't sense when a conflict is inappropriate, feel they have to respond to every real or imagined slight with all guns blazing. Suck it up. We live in a society here, people. If someone is irritating you, there are only too many travel agents willing to guide you to a wonderful, peaceful part of the world. Or at least to another room.
/end mini-rant
So now, at major family gatherings, there is a pool on how long before my wife and K get into it. Generally, from the first hello to the first crying, screaming, "OK, get your coat, we're leaving!" is egg timer territory.
My BIL and I do our best to keep them in separate rooms, and before we get to the event, I know he says the same thing to his wife that I say to mine: "Honey - just don't talk to her. you know it will end badly. Walk out of the room, There will be forty other people there."
But ... no.
I fault both. I love/hate drama. I'm like you ... the gatherings would be boring without it ... but damn, I hate having to be a Border Collie.
Posted by: Nils | November 06, 2006 at 07:01 AM
I come from a family of people who feel very strong about everything. So does my husband. We all have our own opinions on anything under the sun and can never agree so it is always intersting to see all the attitude gathered in one spot, but the absolute worst most hateful person in our family is my SIL who is verbally abusive and neglectful of her children. It is painful to hear what comes out of her mouth and see the girls cringing when she talks. Her desperate for love girls are whiny, fearful and clingy which the SIL interprets as "being so attached" It makes me want to make a secret video tape and show it back to her. I know she has no idea how horrible she is.
Posted by: clickmom | November 06, 2006 at 07:09 AM
My step-father will challenge my grandfather on his politics (usually some side, boring, unimportant issue)and then the entire family has to listen to him (the step-father, not Grandpa) for all of the dinner and usually halfway through dessert. Which is finally when I say something - because hello? You're the ONLY ONE in the family who holds those views - and you're seriously going to convert my NINETY year old Grandfather to your side?
This year, I'm going to stick a fork in his hand during the appetizers and be done with it.
Posted by: daysgoby | November 06, 2006 at 07:14 AM
Great post. To some extended family, my husband and I are the crazy yuppies who live in the dirty city and don't care about the rest of the family because we don't spend three days a week with them. And I wanted to go away to college and to live alone when I was in my early twenties. What a maverick!
Posted by: Arabella | November 06, 2006 at 07:58 AM
There is something about the eccentricities of family members that bonds the rest of us together. I had a great aunt and uncle who spent some time carrying dolls around to help them get in touch with their inner child. They were the same couple who decided to practice their reflexology and pressure point skills on any unsuspecting child or adult at a family reunion, chatting through the benefits as the dug fingers painfully into your instep. I have a vague memory of a group of cousins peering down from the loft in the house at one of the other cousins who had been cornered below by Aunt Mary and was silently begging, "Help me," as the rest of us giggled uncontrollably.
Ah, good times.
Posted by: Beth | November 06, 2006 at 08:17 AM
Ah...yes...Aunt Mary. Just about the only person (besides Uncle Dick) who could coax an irritated facial expression out of saintly Grandma Y. I remember at one of the Colorado family reunions (a year after Bryan and I got married) that Dick and Mary had had their 50th anniversary and she had shown up wearing her mummified wedding dress and yellowed veil. The pics were passed around and I remember thinking she looked so completely DAFT...a senior citizen in full wedding regalia. They were also both THE WORST DRIVERS ON THE PLANET. PERIOD.
Posted by: wordgirl | November 06, 2006 at 08:39 AM
It's really too bad they're not willing to look into their son's possible autism. They're really doing him a disservice.
Posted by: Cover Your Mouth | November 06, 2006 at 08:44 AM
My uncle and my cousin on my dad's side.
There is some serious crap going down involving police and jail and restraining orders and it is just too ugly for words.
I don't like them.
They think that we all think we're better than them. And they are right.
Posted by: Gina | November 06, 2006 at 09:21 AM
For me, it's not so much family members as some of my staff, who are masters of the passive-aggressive. There are few things I detest more than passive-aggressiveness.
And the "kids as rulers of their own destinies" is just ridiculous. BOuNDARIES, people, kids need BOUNDARIES!
Posted by: Heather | November 06, 2006 at 10:20 AM
You have mentioned this situation before - this idiot in-law you are forced to contend with - and I cannot begin to tell you how much I truly relate. I no longer am in contact with my family (those that are left) because the toxicity was just too much to bear. My parents had 4 children – only two of us survived; my much older sister by shoving a 2x4 so far up her ass she spit splinters every time she opened her mouth. Add in her judgmental asshole of a husband – and I couldn’t see the worth in maintaining any contact whatsoever. I’m sorry to hear this awful man still manages to push your buttons – but that’s the way with family – even the married additions. They know where all the weak points are, and they exploit them to the fullest. I must say – attempting to foment trouble between you and your children is particularly heinous – but not unusual in the dysfunctional end of family dynamics. Your kids sound fabulous by the way. You are such a lucky woman, my dear. If I may proffer up a smidgen of advice? Don’t keep rolling over for this guy. I know that every time you’ve attempted to say something - you become the bad guy for doing it. Honey, I’m the queen of that! I just think you deserve to not be harassed by someone who’s obviously jealous of both you and your children. Tell him to get bent on occasion! Or, as you are obviously the much smarter – let him know that you grant his opinions about as much weight as a medium-sized eggplant – if that. If nothing else – the sight of his jaws flapping like an oxygen-deprived fish while he attempts to process your witty reply should offer some amusement. I must say I feel really sorry for his son.
Posted by: The Fat Lady Sings | November 06, 2006 at 11:34 AM
Ah, so that's what writer's block looks like... cleverly worded, succinct writing with pithy details and a beginning, middle and end... bee-yahtch! Even your writer's block mumblings are excellent.
So anyway, in order to not make my comment a post in and of itself, I'll just say, mmm-hmm. And I waver all the time whether to hound Jim about addressing the troublesome family member, as I would do if it were mine. So far, we've all kept quiet, and my stomach churns like yours awaiting the next visit...
Posted by: Mignon | November 06, 2006 at 12:07 PM
First off, I feel for you having to deal with these types of comments from your BIL and SIL. I can certainly understand how annoying that would be.
Secondly, I love this post b/c it is so honest and I totally relate to it. I have a number of crazy, annoying relatives who I both dread to see and look forward to seeing at the same time. Perhaps it's just curiousity as to what kind of drama will occur.
I have a cousin who is the king of drama. He pulled out a shotgun and threatened to shoot my brother once during a family party. Can you believe that? I mean, my family is a very respectful bunch of people. Not the gun-toting kind if you kwim. But this kid is like a genetic anomoly. He's a freak. But he DOES keep things interesting.
Posted by: Mommy off the Record | November 06, 2006 at 12:19 PM
Isn't this exactly what makes the holidays the holdays? Love your post. We have several wild cards at every family gathering.
Posted by: John | November 06, 2006 at 12:20 PM
I am socially awkward and paranoid enough to feel as if someone, at every extended family gathering, dislikes me.
However, I would have to say that the family member I look forward to seeing the least is my husband's uncle.
The first time this uncle met me was at my brother-in-law's medical school graduation and the uncle didn't hug me or shake my hand or even look me in the eye. I didn't understand why, especially since I had heard all sorts of stories about how this guy was fun and funny and great to be around. About two hours later, the family was all standing around, saying goodbye. I had changed out of my Gap sundress into a t-shirt and jeans, and the uncle came up, looked me straight on, gave me a stiff hug, and informed me that he was "glad I had decided to put some clothes on". I was completely mortified.
Because really - it was a sundress! From the Gap! The GAP!
Ugh.
Posted by: elise | November 06, 2006 at 12:52 PM
I recognized the subjects of your post right away too. I remember how you avoided dealing with them by knitting (but still ran the risk of running them through with one of the needles).
You know I understand. I empathize with your kids - having been subjected to weird questions and quirky family competitiveness as a kid myself - and with you, thanks to my unpredictable in-laws.
But may I please hoot and holler here in your space where I have some privacy? All indications are that we will have the holidays - all of them - to OURSELVES!!!
Posted by: mothergoosemouse | November 06, 2006 at 01:07 PM
Absolutely!
Posted by: wordirl | November 06, 2006 at 01:34 PM
Family theatrics are the best! You know you're stuck with them, so you might as well laugh at them. I love the descriptions of yours too. Mine is so spread out, we don't even bother with family gatherings anymore. I miss that.
Posted by: Tink | November 06, 2006 at 02:00 PM
My grandaddy had 11 brothers and sisters. Needless to say, family reunions every summer are a big mosh pit of opinion jockeying and making your children and grandchildren look like they are, in fact, the greatest of the tribe.
One of my grandaddy's sisters has a middle aged son that has been in a gay relationship for a long time.
I always thought that they were brothers. I guess my mom felt I was old enough to know about the scandal this past year. If it took twenty years to spill these beans, I can't imagine what I'll find out when I'm forty.
Posted by: Ben Dolan | November 06, 2006 at 02:13 PM
Well my family is certainly full of quirky characters. Unfortunately, I think I'm one of 'em. Confrontations are rarely a thing to be endured, but only because we are so far apart geographically.
Good luck with the next round. Stock up on booze.
Posted by: Ortizzle | November 06, 2006 at 05:30 PM
Insecure family members are the worst to have around. They feel inferior and have to push their weight around to look smarter. I have a co-worker like that. He and his wife think that everyone else is the petty little thing that needs guidance while they are the smart balanced know it alls.
Posted by: claudia | November 06, 2006 at 08:20 PM
Your nephew's story makes me sad for so many reasons. Pretending that nothing is wrong--or alternatively that their son is a genius rather than a child with neurological issues--doesn't help anyone. And if he's at all like my son, his issues don't so much have to do with his IQ (which may, indeed, be very high) but with social skills. Permitting him to call the shots--about bathing and dressing and following rules--will only make it worse for him as he gets older, because he will lack basic social skills and will not be able to pick them up on his own.
And yes, I can see how you would want to punch these people in the head. Or is that just me?
Posted by: Susan | November 06, 2006 at 08:39 PM
We deal with the passive agressive, assuming we're too dumb to get the insult or insinuation, our choices are better than yours, in-laws every day, but underneath it all they love us and we love them. Besides, they're better than my psychotic nut job family.
Posted by: kim | November 07, 2006 at 11:24 AM
Our family gatherings are so much duller now that key members have gotten sober. Almost zero drama. What a waste!
Posted by: LetterB | November 07, 2006 at 11:50 AM
My dad's sister is known as "the mad cow" in our family - we haven't talked to her in years. It became evident that she was just plain mean, insecure and my dad said "no more" after she refused to apologize for being really rude.
Mother-in-law is immensely insecure with huge self esteem issues, father-in-law has no sense of appropriate volume and that not all mean comments will be taken as teasing. They're divorced. It keeps things interesting.
Hope the wine flows freely - I'd find it so hard not to compete with BIL, but maybe you can approach it like a show - "oh, sure, your kid is the new MENSA president, that's great! How wonderful" and then drink more wine. So often it's harder to be the bigger person and let them foam at the mouth like idiots but it might be easier than arguing.
Posted by: Heather | November 07, 2006 at 04:23 PM