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November 05, 2006

Comments

V-Grrrl

Oh God, don't get me started on the people who allow their preschoolers to decide for themselves whether they want to brush their teeth or take the antibiotic or, ahem, wear clothes. I don't want to make the comment box explode with all I could write about that topic.

Let's just say I had a regular visitor to Chez V who slightly intimidated me while also driving me insane with comments and actions that displayed loads of social ineptitude, inconsiderateness, and passive-aggressive behavior. When I was young, this hurt me because I was so conditioned to need approval and not challenge people. And then I hit my 30s and started lobbing their crap right back at them.

I would no longer play along with "The Emperor's New Clothes" scenario that kept everyone else in the family silent, pretending everything was fine and we were having a good time.

I didn't make scenes but I refused to be silent. I challenged what the person said when I thought it was ridiculous and I called them out when I thought they were rude.

I guess you could say I became a co-star in the family drama. Am I glad I took this path? You bet. There's a time for shutting up and letting things go, but that time was OVER. This person was too big a personality to ignore. I just felt if we were to continue to have any sort of relationship, it was going to be on new terms.

Nils

My sister K has always - as long as I remember - been a drama queen. We're talking MAJOR drama, huge histrionics over the most minor event. She's also been one of those people who love to say about themselves "I just call 'em as I see 'em. I don't pull punches. That's just me."

insert mini-rant: "That's just me" is the single LAMEST EXCUSE for shitty behaviour going. "I'm sorry I'm late. I'm always running a few minutes behind, That's just me." "Sorry I was rude. I just have to be honest. That's just me." "Sorry I disappointed/betrayed/hurt you. I'm not good at friendships/relationships. That's just me."

You know what? Don't be that way, then. If that's just you, you need to change. If you recognize your behaviour is unacceptable, STOP DOING IT. Because your behaviour is not your character. Your behaviour is about choices. Make different ones, or stop sharing my air. /End mini-rant.

Now, we're a large family, and we've learned how to accomodate K's behaviour; typically, avoidance is a popular choice. Move to another room when she gets rolling. She'll run out of gas and behave normally soon enough.

Except my wife comes from a small family. They don't do avoidance. They do "Yeah, well fuck YOU and everyone who looks like you. Strong letter to follow."

/insert mini-rant: Honestly - I have no patience with people who can't bite their tongues, can't sense when a conflict is inappropriate, feel they have to respond to every real or imagined slight with all guns blazing. Suck it up. We live in a society here, people. If someone is irritating you, there are only too many travel agents willing to guide you to a wonderful, peaceful part of the world. Or at least to another room.

/end mini-rant

So now, at major family gatherings, there is a pool on how long before my wife and K get into it. Generally, from the first hello to the first crying, screaming, "OK, get your coat, we're leaving!" is egg timer territory.

My BIL and I do our best to keep them in separate rooms, and before we get to the event, I know he says the same thing to his wife that I say to mine: "Honey - just don't talk to her. you know it will end badly. Walk out of the room, There will be forty other people there."

But ... no.

I fault both. I love/hate drama. I'm like you ... the gatherings would be boring without it ... but damn, I hate having to be a Border Collie.

clickmom

I come from a family of people who feel very strong about everything. So does my husband. We all have our own opinions on anything under the sun and can never agree so it is always intersting to see all the attitude gathered in one spot, but the absolute worst most hateful person in our family is my SIL who is verbally abusive and neglectful of her children. It is painful to hear what comes out of her mouth and see the girls cringing when she talks. Her desperate for love girls are whiny, fearful and clingy which the SIL interprets as "being so attached" It makes me want to make a secret video tape and show it back to her. I know she has no idea how horrible she is.

daysgoby

My step-father will challenge my grandfather on his politics (usually some side, boring, unimportant issue)and then the entire family has to listen to him (the step-father, not Grandpa) for all of the dinner and usually halfway through dessert. Which is finally when I say something - because hello? You're the ONLY ONE in the family who holds those views - and you're seriously going to convert my NINETY year old Grandfather to your side?

This year, I'm going to stick a fork in his hand during the appetizers and be done with it.

Arabella

Great post. To some extended family, my husband and I are the crazy yuppies who live in the dirty city and don't care about the rest of the family because we don't spend three days a week with them. And I wanted to go away to college and to live alone when I was in my early twenties. What a maverick!

Beth

There is something about the eccentricities of family members that bonds the rest of us together. I had a great aunt and uncle who spent some time carrying dolls around to help them get in touch with their inner child. They were the same couple who decided to practice their reflexology and pressure point skills on any unsuspecting child or adult at a family reunion, chatting through the benefits as the dug fingers painfully into your instep. I have a vague memory of a group of cousins peering down from the loft in the house at one of the other cousins who had been cornered below by Aunt Mary and was silently begging, "Help me," as the rest of us giggled uncontrollably.

Ah, good times.

wordgirl

Ah...yes...Aunt Mary. Just about the only person (besides Uncle Dick) who could coax an irritated facial expression out of saintly Grandma Y. I remember at one of the Colorado family reunions (a year after Bryan and I got married) that Dick and Mary had had their 50th anniversary and she had shown up wearing her mummified wedding dress and yellowed veil. The pics were passed around and I remember thinking she looked so completely DAFT...a senior citizen in full wedding regalia. They were also both THE WORST DRIVERS ON THE PLANET. PERIOD.

Cover Your Mouth

It's really too bad they're not willing to look into their son's possible autism. They're really doing him a disservice.

Gina

My uncle and my cousin on my dad's side.

There is some serious crap going down involving police and jail and restraining orders and it is just too ugly for words.

I don't like them.

They think that we all think we're better than them. And they are right.

Heather

For me, it's not so much family members as some of my staff, who are masters of the passive-aggressive. There are few things I detest more than passive-aggressiveness.

And the "kids as rulers of their own destinies" is just ridiculous. BOuNDARIES, people, kids need BOUNDARIES!

The Fat Lady Sings

You have mentioned this situation before - this idiot in-law you are forced to contend with - and I cannot begin to tell you how much I truly relate. I no longer am in contact with my family (those that are left) because the toxicity was just too much to bear. My parents had 4 children – only two of us survived; my much older sister by shoving a 2x4 so far up her ass she spit splinters every time she opened her mouth. Add in her judgmental asshole of a husband – and I couldn’t see the worth in maintaining any contact whatsoever. I’m sorry to hear this awful man still manages to push your buttons – but that’s the way with family – even the married additions. They know where all the weak points are, and they exploit them to the fullest. I must say – attempting to foment trouble between you and your children is particularly heinous – but not unusual in the dysfunctional end of family dynamics. Your kids sound fabulous by the way. You are such a lucky woman, my dear. If I may proffer up a smidgen of advice? Don’t keep rolling over for this guy. I know that every time you’ve attempted to say something - you become the bad guy for doing it. Honey, I’m the queen of that! I just think you deserve to not be harassed by someone who’s obviously jealous of both you and your children. Tell him to get bent on occasion! Or, as you are obviously the much smarter – let him know that you grant his opinions about as much weight as a medium-sized eggplant – if that. If nothing else – the sight of his jaws flapping like an oxygen-deprived fish while he attempts to process your witty reply should offer some amusement. I must say I feel really sorry for his son.

Mignon

Ah, so that's what writer's block looks like... cleverly worded, succinct writing with pithy details and a beginning, middle and end... bee-yahtch! Even your writer's block mumblings are excellent.

So anyway, in order to not make my comment a post in and of itself, I'll just say, mmm-hmm. And I waver all the time whether to hound Jim about addressing the troublesome family member, as I would do if it were mine. So far, we've all kept quiet, and my stomach churns like yours awaiting the next visit...

Mommy off the Record

First off, I feel for you having to deal with these types of comments from your BIL and SIL. I can certainly understand how annoying that would be.

Secondly, I love this post b/c it is so honest and I totally relate to it. I have a number of crazy, annoying relatives who I both dread to see and look forward to seeing at the same time. Perhaps it's just curiousity as to what kind of drama will occur.

I have a cousin who is the king of drama. He pulled out a shotgun and threatened to shoot my brother once during a family party. Can you believe that? I mean, my family is a very respectful bunch of people. Not the gun-toting kind if you kwim. But this kid is like a genetic anomoly. He's a freak. But he DOES keep things interesting.

John

Isn't this exactly what makes the holidays the holdays? Love your post. We have several wild cards at every family gathering.

elise

I am socially awkward and paranoid enough to feel as if someone, at every extended family gathering, dislikes me.

However, I would have to say that the family member I look forward to seeing the least is my husband's uncle.

The first time this uncle met me was at my brother-in-law's medical school graduation and the uncle didn't hug me or shake my hand or even look me in the eye. I didn't understand why, especially since I had heard all sorts of stories about how this guy was fun and funny and great to be around. About two hours later, the family was all standing around, saying goodbye. I had changed out of my Gap sundress into a t-shirt and jeans, and the uncle came up, looked me straight on, gave me a stiff hug, and informed me that he was "glad I had decided to put some clothes on". I was completely mortified.

Because really - it was a sundress! From the Gap! The GAP!

Ugh.

mothergoosemouse

I recognized the subjects of your post right away too. I remember how you avoided dealing with them by knitting (but still ran the risk of running them through with one of the needles).

You know I understand. I empathize with your kids - having been subjected to weird questions and quirky family competitiveness as a kid myself - and with you, thanks to my unpredictable in-laws.

But may I please hoot and holler here in your space where I have some privacy? All indications are that we will have the holidays - all of them - to OURSELVES!!!

wordirl

Absolutely!

Tink

Family theatrics are the best! You know you're stuck with them, so you might as well laugh at them. I love the descriptions of yours too. Mine is so spread out, we don't even bother with family gatherings anymore. I miss that.

Ben Dolan

My grandaddy had 11 brothers and sisters. Needless to say, family reunions every summer are a big mosh pit of opinion jockeying and making your children and grandchildren look like they are, in fact, the greatest of the tribe.

One of my grandaddy's sisters has a middle aged son that has been in a gay relationship for a long time.

I always thought that they were brothers. I guess my mom felt I was old enough to know about the scandal this past year. If it took twenty years to spill these beans, I can't imagine what I'll find out when I'm forty.

Ortizzle

Well my family is certainly full of quirky characters. Unfortunately, I think I'm one of 'em. Confrontations are rarely a thing to be endured, but only because we are so far apart geographically.

Good luck with the next round. Stock up on booze.

claudia

Insecure family members are the worst to have around. They feel inferior and have to push their weight around to look smarter. I have a co-worker like that. He and his wife think that everyone else is the petty little thing that needs guidance while they are the smart balanced know it alls.

Susan

Your nephew's story makes me sad for so many reasons. Pretending that nothing is wrong--or alternatively that their son is a genius rather than a child with neurological issues--doesn't help anyone. And if he's at all like my son, his issues don't so much have to do with his IQ (which may, indeed, be very high) but with social skills. Permitting him to call the shots--about bathing and dressing and following rules--will only make it worse for him as he gets older, because he will lack basic social skills and will not be able to pick them up on his own.

And yes, I can see how you would want to punch these people in the head. Or is that just me?

kim

We deal with the passive agressive, assuming we're too dumb to get the insult or insinuation, our choices are better than yours, in-laws every day, but underneath it all they love us and we love them. Besides, they're better than my psychotic nut job family.

LetterB

Our family gatherings are so much duller now that key members have gotten sober. Almost zero drama. What a waste!

Heather

My dad's sister is known as "the mad cow" in our family - we haven't talked to her in years. It became evident that she was just plain mean, insecure and my dad said "no more" after she refused to apologize for being really rude.

Mother-in-law is immensely insecure with huge self esteem issues, father-in-law has no sense of appropriate volume and that not all mean comments will be taken as teasing. They're divorced. It keeps things interesting.

Hope the wine flows freely - I'd find it so hard not to compete with BIL, but maybe you can approach it like a show - "oh, sure, your kid is the new MENSA president, that's great! How wonderful" and then drink more wine. So often it's harder to be the bigger person and let them foam at the mouth like idiots but it might be easier than arguing.

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