Summer

Though it used to provide a temporary relief from the demands placed on us by school and all its extracurricular activities thereof, I find that only about 24 hours elapses before I find myself adrift and wondering how I'm going to pass the time. It wasn't always this way.

When the kids were younger it was all about that first morning of sleeping late and then preparing for vacation and swimming lessons and art camp. The crayons and glue smell of Vacation Church School week. It was about buying new swimsuits and goggles and flipflops. The lingering scent of chlorine pools or the salty spray when we went to the coast. Coppertone, sun and hot pavement. Mown grass. Popscicles and Slurpees. The cool of the library when we straggled in to sign up the boys for the annual summer reading program and the quiet of the late afternoons when three sun-kissed bodies settled down with a book or to quietly watch old reruns of "Batman". Cooler evenings and dusky gatherings with friends and neighbors while the kids played in the sprinkler.

Before this I was a poorly paid teacher who who still needed to get a job every summer to pay the bills a young professional with summers off and time for myself and a mindless paying gig that kept me in beer money. Before that, I was a kid and after satistfying the list of parental demands placed upon me, I was mostly free to think about myself and what I wanted. However, I was raised to regard the term "being selfish" as something that was always, ALWAYS bad and yet I've come to believe that this is no longer true. If you don't occasionally stop and think about yourself, you'll lose track of who you are or what you want from life.

Maybe it's because having kids shifted summer's focus (not to mention the same for Winter, Spring and Fall) from me (work/playing soccer/running/tanning by the pool/reading/movies) to someone else. Several someones... with differing needs and desires whose quest for attention, entertainment and stimulation has deluded me into thinking that I've kept busy all these years when, in fact, I haven't really been the one who was busy at all. I've merely been a facilitator for the things my children needed or wanted to do. And now that the boys are mostly gone more than they are here, I find that my ability to focus on myself has been seriously (and possibly irreparably) damaged. Broken. And the thought of placing my need to do research or go back for my masters or teach a class or sit behind a desk over being available to run a case of poison ivy medication out to my kids' camp seems incredibly self-serving. Self-indulgent. Selfish. Awful.

You know what it is? I think I've been so afraid of doing anything that makes me look like I don't love/support/encourage/facilitate my kids that I forgot to do the same for myself. And the worst part about it is that I may have taught them that no one else has to think about me either. What evidence have I provided that they need to believe for one minute that I'm a person whose life isn't over yet and that their need for a clean shirt doesn't trump the life goals I'm still waiting to achieve?

I've spent years reminding my kids that women are not slaves to their families, but I forgot to include the most important part of this lesson in feminism. I forgot to to live the example. And as the quiet of summer descends upon Half House, I realize this life is supposed to be about me too, and I need to figure out pretty damned quickly how to make that happen. Wish me luck.

Comments

[Annie]

My son is only two and I'm already struggling with this. I often feel like I'm not really here anymore. I'm trying to figure out a way to focus more on myself and feeling productive and accomplished beyond a happy boy and a full fridge. If you find an answer, please pass it along. I wish you the best of luck.

[Mignon]

Achieving the balance is impossible, I think. Either you're all there for the kids or else you're a self-centered wench with no concern for her progeny.

Actually, I had a conversation about this with a friend just yesterday. My problem was I was trying to satisfy myself AND them at the same time (i.e. writing or reading while they were theoretically playing with me), which ended up pissing us all off.

You end up having to compartmentalize your life, which feels unnatural.

[Becca]

Your description of summer made me so wistful. Now that I have Charlie, I'm just realizing that summer is fun again; having spent four years being a virtual slave to my research field project during the summer, I forgot about the very things you described, swimming lessons, trips to the library, the delicious feeling of having been out in the sun and then relaxing at home in the afternoon. My dissertation is preventing me from losing sight of my goals (for better or worse).

[KathyR]

My gosh, the first part of this post is so evocative of my own childhood summers.

And I'm in the same boat. I've been momming it up so much that now that the kid is 14 and is His Own Person, I'm not sure who I am or what I want to be any more.

If you figure something out, slip me a note, would you?

[daysgoby]

I understand.

I don't have an answer,
but I understand.

[Nils]

As in any 12 step program, the first step is admitting you have the problem. "Hi, I'm Stacy - I'm addicted to being a Mom". NOW ... you get to start the fun part.

I can't tell you how thrilled I am to see you express those thoughts. Making your life YOURS can only add to your family's happiness. This is one of these cases where zero sum does not apply - adding to your life adds to everyone's.

Drink deep. You've been parched for a while.

[Ortizzle]

If your kids help with chores, do the dishes, wash and iron clothes, clean their rooms, cut the grass, and do things for you or at least fend for themselves when you are too tired... then they will surely understand that it is "your turn" to "get a life" and that part of their independence as they grow older is also based on more responsibility for themselves, as well as looking out for others, and, yes, that includes MOM! But I can't imagine your boys not understanding this. I am sure you have taught them that lesson, even though you may not have held them responsible as much as you could have. Must be kinda hard being in an all-male household.

[daysgoby]

I think it's your turn to fly a kite, S.

[V-Grrrl]

I've done my share of shuttling them around but I've also said "No" quite a bit to preserve my sanity.

No your friend can't come over because I'm not in the mood. No, we're not signing up for that because it will tie up every single weekend of the next three months and you don't seem that into it.

I'm willing to facilitate real interests. If they don't show some enthusiasm and a commitment to improving at something, it's not worth my time--or theirs. I'm not standing around watching them shuffle their feet or horse around with their buddies.

I buck the American herd mentality of signing your kid up for everything, every season because extracurricular activies are presumed to be "good." I think it's easy to confuse being "busy" with being "productive."

[Fold My Laundry Please]

I still don't sense the difference once summer gets here (except for the obvious weather changes of course). I don't have anyone in school yet until this next fall.

I was just thinking the other day that I seem to have forgotten who I used to be. When asked what hobbies I have, I draw a blank (maybe that can be considered my hobby, I'm a Blank Artist). When asked what my talents are, I can only come up stain removal and puppeteering. Although, now that I'm becoming a Blank Artiste (yes, I just added a French accent to the title), I'll have very little time to further develop my stain fighting abilities!

[Jenny]

Yes, yes, yes!

Amen, sister.

[sheryl]

Powerful post.

I do wish you luck. The best of best wishes for finding what you need to love/support/encourage/facilitate yourself, too. And I hope you savor and enjoy that achievement when you get there.

More power to us all in that regard.

[Jay]

I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. If you're worried that you're going to get feminist card yanked for being a really great mother then that's just silly.

[Gina]

I wish you the best of luck.

And even though I only have one (as of right now) I can understand spending so many years facilitating their lives instead of your own.

Wonderful post!

[elise]

I miss summer marking a different time in life. Now all it is is hotter. Still working, same days, same stuff. Just really, really hot.

[Loving Annie]

Very wise to know that, Wordgirl... Taking care of yourself is anything but selfish. You too need love and caring and focus. This sounds like it was a bit of a shock for you to discover. I think it holds true for many moms.
It is your turn to come first now -- or at least to know you have needs that are important -- as well as the needs of your kids...

[Loving Annie]

I wish you luck with this, b.t.w. !!!

[To the A, to the L, to the P, to the...ah screw it: Alpha Dogma]

I'm taking notes. AGAIN.

[TB]

Oh Wordgirl. This is some heavy stuff. And as usual you have written a primer for what I need to know as a mother.
Thank you. And I truly hope you are able to find what it is that will make you feel happy, fulfilled, less bored, more like yourself, whatever, this summer.

[Nance]

Absolutely what V-grrrl said. I love my summers (spoken like a true teacher!) and am glad to be able to relax and recharge. My kids are now 19 and 22, and while it wasn't always easy, they had to learn that Mom has summer, too.

[Oh, The Joys]

Wow. As usual, your writing is so powerful and good. As to the topic, I think I'd better save this one and make sure to heed your lesson.

[DebbieDoesLife]

As I have told you before, this is all deja vu for me.

If you don't start worrying about yourself, no one else will. But, as I told my hubby several times, I no longer know HOW to think about me and what I want. It took quite a while to be able to process a thought without considering 4 other people every single time.

I haven't completely gone overboard and forgotten my family. But, I feel I am approaching a healthy middle ground.

It will happen. Be open to possibility. That is the first step.

[Mary]

Better late than never, I think. Up til now, you had to be a mother first. At this point, you can begin the process of reclaiming yourself. I have been struggling for 10 years to find myself again after being mom for 16 years. I think the young women who are beginning to have families can learn from us. It is not only ok to make time for your own interests and needs, it is necessary for you and your family. It must be easier to do at the beginning than at the end, I believe.

[Mary G]

Here's another Mary, agreeing with the wise woman of the same name in the comment above mine. As my girls left for university I acquired a very sick mother and a father who didn't know what to do. In self defense, I enrolled in a local community college -- mostly to claim some time that was mine. But I found a new love, graphics, one that has engrossed all my leisure time and earned me some money as well.
Believe in your right to your own time and interests, look for new things and something really neat might find you.

[Antique Mommy]

To serve is to love. To surrender oneself is to gain. Having said that, I have to remind my 3YO everyday that I am not the maid around here.