One Thing

One of the most important differences between Mr. Half and myself can be explained by observing the way we move through our separate days, and after 20 years of marriage I'm slightly embarrassed to admit that I just figured out this crucial detail today. But, rather than a long and involved tale about what his day is like, followed by an excruciatingly tedious and totally uninspiring account of how my days unfold, the latter of which--and trust me on this--would make you cry from sheer, unadulterated boredom and then force you to toss out the contents of your 7-11 Big Gulp cup, fill it to the brim with Chivas and then drink it down in a show of solidarity or pity (I'll take either), I'll just say this:
   How he and I approach a trip to buy groceries is pretty much how we live life.

Mr. Half lives almost completely in the moment. He's a happy guy and living in the moment keeps him centered and sane. He views a trip to the store as an adventure. Certainly some of that feeling stems from the fact that HE DOESN'T HAVE TO DRIVE THERE FIVE TIMES A WEEK in lieu of something infinitely more intellectually/emotionally rewarding.  Regardless, he's patient with the vanloads of old people who come from the retirement center and he waves at all the sackers and the people at the pharmacy. He may only be there to buy a can of tomato paste, but he'll stop to compare prices and contents just as if he has all the time in the world. He gets excited when he finds out that Red Gold tomato products (makers of his favorite kind of ketchup) are being stocked. He doesn't see the trip as an unwelcome errand that sidetracks the predetermined path of his daily schedule, even if that's exactly what it is. Getting milk or bread or aspirin is folded into his plans and, if he has an opportunity to give directions to someone or pick up a piece of newspaper trash that is cartwheeling across the sidewalk or talk to a baby being pushed in a cart by its mother, then those are just bonuses.

Me? I pull impatiently into the parking lot which is like a second home for me and race into the store as if my pants are on fire. How quickly can I get through today? How long are the lines? Where should I start? Once my husband copied a quotation from the Zen Master that warned against "doing any task with attitude of simply getting it done", but that's exactly what buying groceries is for me. I tear down the aisle and barely glance at what I'm getting. I spend so much time here that I know the entire layout. I don't need to look. I grab things off the shelves, barely slowing the cart, and throw them in without looking to see how much they are. I'm not here to check out the status of the onions or find out if there's a new kind of cheese they're featuring. I'm here because someone drank all the milk. I'm here because someone needs shampoo. Or a prescription. Or cereal.  And because I'm there, I'm not someplace else expanding my mind. I race through life trying to get through the boring stuff, the irritating stuff, the stuff that seems to be keeping me from doing something that interests me more.

For me, going to the grocery store is what KEEPS me from living life. For Mr. Half, going there is part of life. I go though the grocery store--and life--thinking that all of these mindless tasks just need to get done so that the real life can finally begin. Mr. Half knows that ALL OF THIS is part of life. The glamorous stuff and the not glamourous. It's why he takes the time to separate our soft drink cans from the rest of the recycling and put them into a trash sack so that this little old lady who drives through our neighborhood can easily pick them off the end of our driveway (and others) and get the cash back from the aluminum can place. It's why he put on his rainsuit last week during a storm and set out food in a sheltered spot for the timid little stray dog that haunts our street. It's why, when we were dating, he wouldn't kiss me in front of this homely woman working the counter at the Dunkin Donuts, because he thought she might be lonely and he didn't want to rub our happiness in her face. Are doing these things necessary to for happiness? They are if you don't view them as intrusions on your day and, instead, see them as things the universe needs to accomplish in order for the world to turn a little more humanely.

In the movie "City Slickers", Jack Palance's character tells Billy Crystal that the secret of life boils down to "just one thing" and when Crystal asks him what that one thing is, Palance tells him that he has to figure it out for himself because, for every person, the ONE THING is different.

I think, despite the overused proverb regarding the "life as a journey" concept, there's something to it. You can't keep waiting for life to happen. Instead, you have to see every drive, every walk, every conversation as an adventure. And yes...every trip to the store.

We can decide to be happy...or not.  If we think that everything we do in life is meaningless, then it will be. If we think that it is important, it can be that, too. Instead of resenting/envying the fact that my husband wakes up happy and goes to bed happy on a daily basis, maybe I should think about what goes into maintaining that mindset and part of that seems to be absolving himself of worrying about the intrinsic worth of every task. Instead, I think he believes that the importance of the task comes from the fact that it needed to be done and that it got done.

I'll never wake up whistling and I still don't think I'll enjoy going to the cleaners or putting gas in my car. But I can start small. Baby steps, you know. Baby steps. Besides...we're almost out of orange juice.

*********************************************************************************************************
"Half of the Sky" remembers Yvonne DeCarlo
(Salome, Sephora, Lily Munster)
September 1, 1922- January 8, 2007

Tell Herman and Grandpa we said hello...

 

Comments

[V-Grrrl]

This post is brilliant--a perfect illustration of the difference between embracing your life and fighting it.

In my approach, I'm somewhere between you and Mr. Half. I'm definitely not waiting for my "real life" to start and I try to live in the moment, but I can't say I'm cheerful or thorough in tackling the mundane tasks of life.

I am, however, married to someone who is, and so I recognize the discomfort you feel in being married to a relentlessly cheerful person. People laugh when I tell them it's not always easy to be with someone is ALWAYS happy. It makes my lows lower, my guilt over my lack of perkiness greater.

[daysgoby]

Beautiful, WG.

I wish I could think more as your husband does. I seem to be stuck on 'hurry up and wait', though.

[Arabella]

I love the sense of wonder you've described. I go through phases where I feel that way, too. For me, the hard part is sustaining it for any considerable length of time. I do think it's easier to smell the roses when my "to do" list is shorter, which is something that hasn't been the case for me for a long time.

[Oh, The Joys]

I am more like you...checking things off the list so I can be finished and then "live". Silly me.

[Her Bad Mother]

Beautifully said. For me, the task that I need to learn to enjoy (or at least, get zen about) is laundry. Grocery shopping, I enjoy, can't really explain why. Vacuuming, ditto. And list-making - whoo boy. Lurves it. But laundry makes my heart shrivel up in dismay, makes me curse my lot in life that I have to do laundry. Makes me UNHAPPY. And that is, after all, only and ever a state of mind, and so mine to change.

[Cynde]

I just have to echo what others have said. I'm definitely like you, and hubby is definitely the opposite.

What a well written post! Thanks for making me laugh and think today.

[kim]

You described my husband and I. And of course being the true B- I am I've actually thought "of course he can find the joy in the mundane because his to do list is not as long and when he shops or cooks it's out of desire not necessity."

OK, so maybe I need an attitude adjustment.

[toyfoto]

If I were involved in the best post of the month thing ... I'd nominate this one. Really, really I would.

[ewe_are_here]

Your husband sounds very sweet.

We're a tad closer to the opposite here: I kind of like to browse a bit when I'm at the grocery store on a big weekly trip, whereas my husband just likes to get it done as quickly as possible. Probably why he doesn't like me to go with him all the time. ;-)

[bubandpie]

My feelings about the grocery store are influenced by the day, a couple of months after the Bub was born, when I realized that instead of sending hubby out to get groceries, I could GO MYSELF, and leave the baby with HIM! And it was such a giddy feeling of freedom and bliss, to roam the aisles, check out new products, and basically just glory in the break from the usual pace.

As for the rest of life, though, I'm with you: trying to get it done.

[Gina]

I try very hard to live in the moment, although it doesn't always work. Sometimes staying at home seems so tedious and such a waste of my time. But then, would generating reports or whatever be any more rewarding?

The right balance is hard to find.

[DebbieDoesLife]

I am afraid that I am definately like you. Always resenting all the crap a/k/a laundry, groceries, vacuuming, etc. and wondering when will I get to the REAL life? While my husband is focused more on the moment. When he tells me my curves are sexy, I tell him how NOT sexy they are. Why? Why can't I just be happy with the day? That my children are healthy and love me (and like me - critical difference). I am trying but its hard to change. I am trying to not live so in the future and in the now. Thanks!

[Jenny]

Thank you! These words were just what I needed today. Why is it that I'm forever needing to be reminded about baby steps and my husband just seems to get it?
By the way, I love your blog. Thanks again.

[HollowSquirrel]

Lovely post, as usual. Thank you.

[dodo]

i used to be a liver, now I'm a waiter. I hadn't really thought of it in those terms until I read this post. Not sure what to think now.

[Jay]

In general I'm more like your husband. The problem I run into is that I let the negative attitudes of people around me take over my attitude. For the most part I can make most things into an enjoyable task. I will talk to strangers, smile at people and all that good stuff.

If I am doing this task with someone who is grumpy or miserable and bitching, I take on that same attitute. Then I get mad, not at them, but at me for allowing that to happen.

[Heather]

I'm fairly certain that your husband and I are so alike we'd get along swimmingly, and you and my husband could swap stories happily. I hope we're as happy as you are in 20 yaers.

[Elizabeth]

Great post! I LOVE going to the grocery store alone, being able to meander through the aisles, reading labels and looking at displays. And if there are cute babies to coo at, all the better. But if our budget is tight and there needs to be no impulse buying, I have to send my husband.

[LetterB]

Such sweet vignettes of your husband; i could just see them like they were on a screen in front of me. I really enjoyed this post WG.

ps. I just heard about Yvonne DeCarlo. I was remarking to my uncle about Tony Snow's uncanny resemblence to Herman Munster and he broke the news. Sad to see them all go.

[Ian]

I think this is why I'd rather take a road trip for a vacation than fly somewhere. To me, the journey is just as important as the destination; sometimes even more so.

Ian

[TB]

At the heart of this post is what I try to remind myself of every day and often fail - life is what occurs while we are checking things off of our daily lists.
I'm a list checker too. Thanks for the lovely reminder.

[Beth]

That was an amazing, beautiful, insightful look at your husband. You know that I'm biased and that I already adore him (and you)... But damn, girl. :) You are an artist with words. And he's a pretty great subject.

I wish I were more consistently like B, but I also get in task mode and forget to enjoy the ride for what it is.

[Dan]

I race through life trying to get through the boring stuff, the irritating stuff, the stuff that seems to be keeping me from doing something that interests me more.

Interesting statement.

You accomplish alot though.

[Mom101]

What a fantastic essay! It's so amazing how the little things in life really are just reflections of the greater picture. I'm going to be thinking about this for a while.

[Izzy]

I read this post the other day but didn't have time to comment. I really just wanted to say that I loved it and can relate in that I'm probably more like you. Your husband actually reminds me of my dad a lot. Again, a wonderful piece of writing.