My Shoes Don't Fit You...and vice versa

"...you can't please everyone so you've got to please yourself."
               --Rick Nelson, "Garden Party"


The world is a massive place made smaller by the ability to send a thought, a question or an image across the oceans and continents in a matter of a minute or so. We leave an impression with the touch of a button and then we forget about it. Someone else picks it up out of the dust and reads what we've left behind. We make them laugh or hurt their feelings, but we either don't care or we're too far down the road to know about it. We blog, we comment, we seek out people whom we assume are just like us because they make us feel comfortable and safe and liked.  They are not just like us. No one is. We are just who we are...trying to fight our way through life and raise our families and perform our jobs and satisfy our aging parents and be the best definition of a human being in the only way we know how.

The world--this country-- is fractured into as many jagged slivers as a mirror dropped and shattered on the floor. How we worship or if we do at all. The way we vote. Whom we choose to hate or kill, tolerate or embrace in the name of God.  And that last one is a choice, make no mistake about this.  Every bit of information is used as a reason to take a step away from each other.

Even in the blogosphere, we load our blogrolls, in an attempt at a self-created world, with friends and readers who, for the most part, accept us...and we accept them. Except we don't. Not really.

There are still too many ways we differ and too many ways we are eager to draw those lines in the sand so as to separate our self-named "righteousness" from the "insanity" of everyone else. Those who know what it's like to have kids and those who don't. Who uses daycare and those who stay home. Who believes in "the family bed" and those who don't. Breast or bottle? Innoculate or not? Eat meat or be a vegetarian...or a vegan where even an illicit package of string cheese is a high crime. And if you choose to eat meat, are you a holier person if you get yours already killed and shrink-wrapped in the store...or do you hunt?

I join in the verbal fracas quite often.  I keep my worded poison darts sharpened for the Theo-Cons and Neo-Cons who would like to feed the Geneva Convention and the Constitution into a Hewlett-Packard shredder. I freely admit this. I comment frequently and--yes-- viciously about those who subscribe to such treachery. And there are those who would still like to have me similarly flogged and sent to Gitmo for the ancient crimes of having voted for Clinton or Kerry. Whatever.

Those are the landmines we expect and having tripped over them before makes them easy to recognize. Obvious...even in the dark.

It's when we start in on the comrades from our own comfort zone that we know things are  really falling apart. I've given grief to every mother of daughters I know for letting their offspring participate in cheerleading instead of playing a real sport. In my book it's one step away from a beauty pageant. Similarly, I've had friends and even family (the brother-in-law who asked my son where he sewed the swastika on his uniform) make unkind remarks about my sons' participation in boy scouting...something I would never make them do. They like it and so we encourage it, though we keep up a dialogue concerning the wrongheaded national platform it takes on gays.  In either situation you have people who are speaking out of ignorance and fear. I include myself in that group. What would I do--given my feelings on the subject-- if I had a daughter and it was her heart's desire to be a cheerleader...and she was very good at it?  What would you do if you had a son who wasn't good at traditional sports but who found a group of progressive-thinking scouts who valued archery and canoeing and showed him how to be a kind and compassionate (and more organized) leader than you were capable of teaching him how to be?

That's right...you don't know. And neither do I...about the daughter anyway. No one knows all of the ways we make our daily decisions and--anyway-- who has the desire or the patience to slog through a 3,000-word post where you explain why your kids aren't allowed to participate in Halloween or play with Barbie? My blogposts are long enough, thank you.

Knowing Nils has made me try (and fail) really very hard not to paint the idiosyncrasies of the male sex with a big fat brush. No one benefits from a harsh generalization. Living with the four men I presently know and love doesn't make me an expert on men, either. I can only speak for the ones in my life. Likewise....there are other ways I have have followed the siren song of unkind assumptions drawn out of one single experience or based on one single person. It's not right.  And I'm reminded how bad that feels when such an assumption is made about me or my choices. It stings...no matter how thick-skinned I'd like to pretend I am.

No one among us is a shining example of straight-ticket goodness or perfection. We--hypocrites all-- contradict ourselves every day in everything we say, do...or write. I'm as bad as the next person in line. And if the next person just happens to be you...well...I'll ask that you refrain from judging me too harshly without walking around in my shoes for awhile.

Comments

[Lady M]

Beautifully said. I

use the words, "I would never . . ." much less frequently now that I have a toddler.

[Spamboy]

Although it's only 4:59am, that's the best thing I have -- or will -- read all day.

[Ortizzle]

Very noteworthy food for thought. In fact, I might just print that out and put it on the wall next to my computer.

[kim]

This post deserves a standing ovation. I read once that Anna Quindlen was more interested in making you think than making you think like her. She is the bar to which (I follow woefully short of )I aspire.

Again, great post.

[Lynsalyns]

This struck a cord with me. I think I'll link to it this week, with a note to my anonymous friend.

Thank you for this.

[Nils]

Well put there, darlin' ...

I find myself more and more quoting Ralph Waldo Emerson: "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines." I leave room in my thinking, and in my soul, for inconsistencies and changes of heart and, as Lincoln wisely advised, adopting "new views as they are shown to be true views".

I grew up in a family of arguers, ruled (and moderated) by my father, who believed that how a person handled him (or her)self in civil debate was the truest test of character. We learned early on what constituted a fair fight, and what was hurtful and mean and therefore unwelcome and uncivilized.

I have learned that not everyone is playing by that same book. More's the pity. Because I think you and I could have lovely, rollicking arguments, debates as they are supposed to proceed, with strong, well-defended positions and respect for the other's mind.

And what I love about debates like that is there is always room for playfulness ... room for me to mischievously tweak your nose about how you chicks are always seeing MEN as a monolithic group and so on. It's one of the real joys in life.

I do not have to agree with you to respect you, admire you, and find you one sexy hot hippie peacenik pinko mommy. I prefer, in fact, that we don't agree. Exercise is as good for the brain as the body. I likes me a good workout.

So yeah, you're as bad as the next person in line. And every bit as good. And I choose to come here because while I know we wouldn't agree across the board (Boy Scouts: good. Cheerleaders: GOOD) we'd have enough common ground, common sense, and common civility to let our friendship be nourished by our differences, rather than choked by them.

[Heather]

Well said. My oldest daughter is obsessed with fashion and all things celebrity. It makes me cringe (because it's so different from me), but I have to bite my tongue and help her find a healthy outlet for her interests.

[Gina]

In the blogosphere, I think we are especially prone to hypocrisy, due to the very nature of writing. We choose what to put out there, sometimes conciously or unconciously "censoring" ourselves.

But I think everyone is a hypocrite at least some of the time, and the best we can do is to be honest about it.

[Gina]

Man, that would have sounded better if I had spelled "conscious" correctly!

[Kristen]

Yes. We're all hypocrites, we're all children. The more we can remember that, the better off we'll be.

[elise]

I don't know what inspired you, but this is a great post.

[Occidental Girl]

I agree, that was well said. It is something that needs to be said often, to remind us that we are all here with our own unique perspectives which add the the dimensions of life.

Generally, women do judge one another harshly. It's time we stopped that nonsense.

[Jackie]

"No one among us is a shining example of straight-ticket goodness or perfection."
I think I am the complete opposite!

I love you and your posts. I don't know you really but your words penetrate deep, and you've opened a door in my mind into a room where I've never been before. and I like that room :)

peace,
jackie

[Jenny]

Holy crap. This is so a subject I've been writing about...rather unsuccessfully...and you've summed it up beautifully.

You are so in my mind.

[Ben]

Don't take sweeping generalizations from me, they're all I got.

[Tink]

I found myself nodding throughout this post, and then going back to read sections that were just so well/beautifully written. This line will stay with me:

>>The world--this country-- is fractured into as many jagged slivers as a mirror dropped and shattered on the floor.>the brother-in-law who asked my son where he sewed the swastika on his uniform<< made me want to pummel someone.

[V-Grrrl]

Earlier today I watched an excerpt from Larry King's interview with Bill Clinton and at one point he commented on how the root of terrorism is in failing to recognize our shared humanity.

Back at the height of the Cold War, Sting sang a haunting song with a refrain, "I hope the Russians love their children too." That line, so callous on the surface, was so warm inside because the question answered itself--how could we believe the Russians didn't love their children too? The song was a brilliant way of highlighting our shared humanity.

I don't think we're all as "different" as we'd like to think we are. The lines we draw to separate ourselves from others are often pathetic attempts at enhancing our own self-importance. Believing "no one is like me" can be risky business. It's easy to see how we're different and takes far more effort to dig beneath the surface and see how we're all alike.

Blogging is a chance to participate in the lives or thoughts of people we might never meet in our day to day lives, to consider ideas we might never explore, to develop relationships with those we never expected to connect with, and to find like-minded souls to share our personal journeys.

Mary Pipher's book Writing to Change the World touched on the power of words. The book itself rambled and lost steam, but the introduction and first chapter delivered Pipher's message clearly and succinctly. It's worth checking out of the library.

[bubandpie]

I think you're right - in the online communities I've participated in (including the blogosphere), people generally demonstrate a very high ability to civilly debate issues like politics or religion, because we all know that those are dangerous issues and as soon as they come up everybody goes on high alert, and we all start tiptoeing around and being very, very careful not to offend anyone.

And then someone makes a casual remark against, say, people who use harnesses for their toddlers, and all hell breaks loose. It's always the apparently trivial issues that end up being the most explosive.

[Mommy off the Record]

Good piece. I try not to judge people for the very reason that you state - I have not walked in their shoes. In my recent post on being vegetarian, I tried as best I could to not come off judgemental of those who eat meat because I think it is a personal decision, and in fact, I too eat meat (fish and dairy) and I wouldn't want to feel judged by, say, a vegan for my eating habits. However, I still like to discuss these types of subjects now and then even though they're controversial - the main thing is that we are not judgemental and we remain open-minded through the process. I think the mommyblogger community is a great example of how well that can be done.

[Mary]

Sometimes being a mother means acting as if you are a better person than you know you are. My beautiful, sweet, intelligent daughter was a cheerleader. She was also a flutist, newspaper editor, basketball player and choir member. I had the same reaction to her desire to try each one: "Really? Good!" What personal prejudices are you passing on to your children? None? Think again.

[boogiemum]

well said. I am guilty as the next in this department and this was a nice reminder. Thanks for taking a stand

[Mignon]

Oooh - did I have a small part in this post? I know I commented (where?) that Boy Scouts were Arian Automatons... but strictly because my little brother's scout troop leader was racist, bigoted and ignorant. In addition, having grown up in every rural redneck part of the pacific northwest, the only thing I know about scouts is the way the big dumb bullies at school used their uniforms to humiliate kids without enough money to join. Once a kid borrowed his cousin's scout shirt to wear to school on Scout Day, even though he wasn't a member, and he was promptly beat up by the self-proclaimed Protectors of the Order. And that's what scouts are from where I'm sittin. (Of course, and I know you know this, no offense was intended towards your boys, by whom I will never quit being impressed and strangely proud.)

Mary, FYI - Wordgirl's point was the same one you just made.

[Kvetch]

Wow. I do not know what prompted this post, but you have captured the essence of mind your own business and we're all in this together and made it one.

Way to go.

[Debbie]

Yes, I want to know what drove this post??? As Paul Harvey would say, "the rest of the story."

[Nancy]

Wow. You took so many great thoughts and spun them together in such an eloquent manner.

More and more I am trying to live the mantra of "to each his own." I am definitely far from perfect about judging -- but I have gotten much more tolerant in so many ways since my girls were born.