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Last week, my oldest son's former French teacher died of pancreatic cancer. It was not a surprise in the sense that the end was inevitable and most people knew it would happen eventually. Pancreatic cancer is especially deadly because one usually doesn't get diagnosed until the disease is well underway. According to one article I read, only 6% of those diagnosed live for five years. Not good odds.

What made today's burial so amazing was the outpouring of support that has been going on since Madame's diagnosis last spring. Madame had no family here and her only survivor is an 81-year old mother in Belgium. If you've known any person who has attempted to hold down a job and take extensive cancer treatments at the same time, you know it takes loving family and maybe a few friends to help you. Madame had no family. She was not married and she had no children. No siblings. So who was there to help her?

Mothers. PTA mothers. Mothers whose children had been taught by this wonderful woman. They found her all of her doctors. They sat with her during consulatations. They drove her to treatments. They organized the meals that were prepared by other parents, as well as many of her fellow teaching colleagues. One mother used her legal expertise to wrangle with the bastards at the insurance companies and, when granted power of attorney, paid her bills and kept her accounts. One mother who works in the medical field kept track of the doctors and the treatments. Another used her considerable organizational skills to find, organize and track every volunteer who did anything for Madame. One mother even adopted Madame's beloved dog after she was just too ill to take care of her.

In the end, these women were with her when she died. They picked out the clothes she would be buried in. They planned the funeral. They made arrangements to have her mother, a woman who speaks only French, to be flown in from Belgium next week. Arrangements could not be be made for her transport any sooner, and out of respect and love for this elderly woman, they arranged for the memorial to be postponed until she could get here. The funeral visitation and the burial took place without her. Next week an evening service is planned so that Madame's teaching collegues, students and former students can attend without missing school, but today's graveside service was simple and elegant and the overwhelming number of young people who showed up would have made Madame smile.

What's most amazing about this story is that these women cared for someone who was not even a distant relative. They did what they did every single day since last spring. And they did it while holding down jobs and continuing their volunteer responsibilities at school and doing all of the things they normally did for their families. I spent a day writing the obituary and I was mentally "fried" by my attempts to get everything just right for that one thing...plus do the regular everyday stuff. ONE DAY. These women have spent MONTHS juggling the things that usually fall only to family members.
They became her family in the most difficult and draining kind of way.

As much as I cared for Madame, I know I could not have done what these friends have done. I doubt any of them knew exactly how time consuming and emotionally exhausting this would be. Or how long it would last. I don't doubt that any or all of them wanted to quit at some time and regain a portion of their own lives back. Every day, they found the strength they needed and they forged on. And yet...today...each wept. This was no relief for them.  They lost a friend just as we had...only moreso...and only now had the chance to pause and absorb the loss...something the rest of us have had almost a week to process.

And I was grateful to be a woman this day. Not because I did anything difficult, but because being part of the same gender as these individuals allows me to bask in the light of their generosity of spirit. Their strength. Their countless acts of selflessnes...yes...even on the days they just didn't want to do it anymore. On the days when no one else did it. Like so many other things that women do, the seen and--mostly--unseen tasks that are taken for granted. Expected. Required. Unpaid and unappreciated. Usually those things just make me angry because they're so often OUR LOT in life. Today I thought about what those women, my friends, did for Madame and it made me proud. Proud that we are the life givers and the maintainers of those same lives through all the transitions until it's time to say goodbye. Madame would be proud, too.

Comments

[Nils]

Once again I am deeply touched by your words. Your tribute to these generous, kind-hearted women is as inspiring and moving as was their dedication to Madame.

I understand completely what you say about being proud to be a woman in the light of this communal effort. While we have had hiccups, you and I, about generalizations ... I cannot imagine this being done by any but dedicated, loving, nurturing women.

I'm proud to have one as a friend.

[Gina]

All too often, people make sacrifices and no one ever hears about it.

Thank you for letting us know about the sacrifices you all made for what was obviously a wonderful woman.

[Spamboy]

That's a neat story to hear, because it seems so quaint and ancient nowadays. When you read stories about people passing away in their apartments alone and noone knowing for weeks/months, it's refreshing to know that someone was being taken care of -- both before and after passing. God bless her.

[toyfoto]

This makes me feel like we are not lost. And that's good.

[mamatulip]

This post gave me goosebumps. What an amazing story, and proof that we can still have faith in humanity. And the way you tell this story is so compelling.

[Marcie]

What an uplifting story. It reminds me of how good people can be.
After watching too many evening newscasts you can start to forget.

[Fraulein N]

That's really beautiful. Thanks for writing about this.

[Kristen]

Caretaking is such a hard job - amazing that they all chipped in like that.

It's great to see a community at work - even during such a difficult time.

[boogiemum]

It is so reassuring that there is still some good left in a seemingly apathetic society. Bless you all.

[HollowSquirrel]

It's nice to read of such care and generosity. She sounds like a lovely woman whose influence will live on. You've written a beautiful post, and I'm sure the obituary is just as lovely and thoughtful.

[Heather]

What a beautiful story! It's so encouraging that there ARE still people who will take the time to care for each other. So many times I lament the loss of community, but your post makes me realize that it DOES still exist.

[Kvetch]

What a lovely tribute not only to Madame, but to the remarkable actions you witnessed, performed by women you know. Women are amazing. All of us.

[Buffy]

Touching.....

[Ortizzle]

A very inspiring story. I especially liked that you mentioned how they forged on, “even on the days they just didn't want to do it anymore.” That is indeed the core of such selfless acts, helping someone even when you feel you’ve done your share and just can’t find the strength or the will to go on, but somehow you do. I will remember that the next time I think I just don’t have the time...

[Dan]

Those wome who gave all their time are a special group of people.

Can I see the obit you wrote?

[wordgirl]

It's important to note that the ONLY thing I did was to write that obituary. I don't count myself among the handful of women who cared for Madame on a daily basis. All the credit goes to them.

[Dawn]

With all the woman to woman bashing goin on these days, this is the type of thing that I cherish.

We are the caretakers, and as we give life, so should we stand and help as it ends.

[Beth]

Really beautiful - both the women who gave so selflessly of themselves and your tribute to them.

[Dana]

What an inspiring post and a tribute, not only to Madame but to the dear ladies that gave of themselves for someone who could not help herself. That is so moving and really, such an extraordinary tribute to women in general. You go girls! Women are awesome.

[lildb]

it's this kind of behavior that finds me digging deeper in my personal store of energy to push through the rough parts, the dumb parts, the draining parts, the irritating parts.

because what I do every day? is a cake walk compared to what you/your cohorts just went through.

thank you for the reminder that whining, while satisfying in some ways, is not the option that will make the job get done.

[mothergoosemouse]

Such an inspirational story, even as sad as it was.

[J]

This was a great post...thank you for sharing it. I loved it, and the fact that it brought a tear to my eye that was not sappy or sentimental, but pure and honest and proud of those women, and of you for your small part as well.

[Elizabeth]

I would be honored if one day I was asked to help someone like that. I, too, am proud of those women.

[Kristen]

After reading this post, I realize when I hear the phrase "it takes a village," the village I'm picturing in my head is a village of women. I don't normally "stereotype" in that way, and yet that's the image that comes to mind. This story shows why.

[Heather]

What a fantastic community! Thanks for sharing - it was lovely to read about Mme. and the family that came to her aid. C'est magnifique (et un peu triste aussi)!