The Power of a #2 Pencil

                                                                     

"If I knew where you lived I would send you a bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils"
                                     -Tom Hanks ( "You've Got Mail" )

School starts tomorrow and with it comes the deluge of forms to sign and checks to write. Pens and pencils. Books and backpacks. Colored markers for the youngest and parking spaces for the two oldest. Special kinds of paper that the teacher has personally requested which you can only purchase at one particular store in the city that ran out of said paper only three minutes before you walked through the store's entrance and all of this after getting the handout that said your kid really, really, really needed it for class the next day. The same special paper which you will finally locate and purchase...only to have it returned at the end of the year in its still-pristine wrapper with your child's other unused supplies.

In the stories I read as a kid, Ramona Quimby and Harriet the Spy got to start school the school year amidst Fall-ish weather. Cool enough for a sweater. For those characters, the ivy on the red-brick school buidings was just starting to die a little and the leaves were already turning and the inside of the building stil smelled like whatever the cafeteria was cooking that day. Actually, that's still true for us. Walk the hallways and everything smells like hot rolls and the inside of a lunchbox. Steakfingers and milk. New shoes and chalk dust.  Here in Texas the mood is ruined a bit for want of a cool breeze. The first day of school is hotter than hell and you won't see anyone wearing a sweater until November. Maybe.

What makes this year different is that it's the last time all three  of our sons will leave for school on the same morning in the same city.  Greyson is a senior ,Tucker is a junior and things will never be the same after this year. Tomorrow, when the oldest two pull out of the driveway and we take Wilder to school for the first day of 7th grade, it will be the last time in our lives that this happens in exactly this way. Ever.

THE FUTURE: In a way, it's like standing on the edge of a cliff looking over a vast city. A city into which your child will eventually jump...feet first. Maybe he'll use a parachute or maybe the landing will be rougher than you'd like. Either way, just like the poet Kahlil Gibran says, it's a place you can only visit in your dreams. You can't live there. I know what college was like for me, but his experience will be different, so I can only anticipate a tiny portion of the things that will come his way. And because I can't anticipate much of his life after this year, I can't really protect him either. I will only know what he tells me and, because I won't be an everyday part of my son's life after this, I have to depend on the scant bits of information he ...and the other boys...are willing to give me.

Our kids are unusually good. They don't get into trouble. They're open-minded, smart, funny, compassionate, stubborn and ethical. I can't say whether luck or hard work (mine and Mr. Half's) is more responsible for that outcome. That said, it is almost time for me to recognize the limits of my own influence and to accept that the wider world's inhabitants will have a greater power and sway over the course of my childrens' lives. That I will always be "mother" is a given, but the imprtance of that role and the guiding wisdom I haveto offer will have less relevance as the years pass.

I should be celebrating. I should be proud of who they are and who they will become...and I am. I don't want to ever hold my kids back and their desires with emotional blackmail so that my wistfulness or need to be needed makes them feel guilty or disloyal for living the lives they're meant to have. But I can't quite grasp the idea of an empty house. I know I have a few years left before that is a total reality, but it's quiet here already in so many ways. Or maybe it's just the anticipation of the quiet that I can already hear. I can't continue to think of this as an ending. It has to be a beginning...for all of us. And just as the time is drawing near for our kids to discover who they are in this world, I think it's time I got about the business of doing that as well.

Maybe it wouldn't hurt to get myself a brand new pack of yellow #2 pencils and sharpen a few...just so I'll be ready.

Comments

[Nancy]

What a beautiful and touching post. I sort of feel like this but am in a totally different place than you -- this is the last year that both of our girls will be in daycare before Mimi starts kindergarten. It's great and so, so hard to see them growing up.

[Elizabeth]

"You've Got Mail" is my absolutely favorite movie. I wish I could send YOU a bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils! You deserve it after raising three boys almost to adulthood. Congratulations, Mama!

[Kristen]

Oh, man. I feel the ache just from imagining what you're writing about here, and my kids are only now starting school. But I know somehow, maybe because I have older stepkids, maybe because I try really hard to remember that life is fleeting, that this all goes by so incredibly fast, and I'll be in your shoes in the snap of a finger.

[Kvetch]

Well said...because it's so obviously deeply felt. I can relate...I have one starting high school and one starting junior high. I've now said goodbye to elementary school forever. Sigh.

[Jenny]

Hot roll, steak fingers and milk, new shoes and chalk.

You so totally nailed this.

For a second there I was back in 5th grade again. Thank you.

[shelley]

Speaking as a college administrator, I/we look forward to seeing you and Mr. Half at Parent Orientation next summer while Greyson makes some new friends and registers for his fall classes!

You and the Mister have obviously done your part(s) well; soon it will be up to Greyson to make choices with your voices only over the phone or in his head rather than right beside him, and you'll need to trust in his ability to continue to make good choices on his own. The young adults who falter, in my experience, are those whose parents don't really let go and just (continue to) make decisions for their children rather than allowing them to test the waters, and yes, even make mistakes. I know you're much too smart for that ... but I also know that doesn't mean it's going to be easy to see him go a year from now. Savor these moments just as much as you can.

[V-Grrrl]

Amen, Amen, and Amen.

Yes I think the best way to navigate the transitions ahead is to make plans for your future--more writing, more art, a new kind of teaching gig, taking classes, volunteering?

[Mrs. Harridan]

I have no doubt your boys are growing into great men, and from what I've known of you, it's all down to your hard work (I'm sure Mr. Half does his share; he obviously gives them quality time). You have years before having to face the empty nest, and I bet your boys won't stray too far.

[Chris]

Best thing I've read all day. I was just commenting elsewhere that time has this tendency to fly much too quickly. All we can do is try to enjoy it.

[Gina]

I'm not sure I can handle it when my son starts preschool. And now, I have this to look forward to? Oy...

[Susan]

I always want to put on a sweater on the first day of school. Since it will be over 100 degrees here on Wednesday when Charlie starts, so I will probably not do it. But dammit, SCHOOL IS STARTING, it should be fall already!

Ahem.

[Susan]

I always want to put on a sweater on the first day of school. Since it will be over 100 degrees here on Wednesday when Charlie starts, so I will probably not do it. But dammit, SCHOOL IS STARTING, it should be fall already!

Ahem.

[The Fat Lady Sings]

Oh my dear! Beautiful. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful! I haven't had any kids - so I cannot relate to the empty house - but I do feel the tug of school every time the weather cools, and leaves start to fall. Not that that happens any more, I'm afraid. Here where I live - school has already begun - and except for being able to hear the marching band practice in the late afternoon - nothing feels like school yet. Oh - the supplies were there in Wal Mart - all the latest cool stuff to be squished into that backpack; but I miss the nip in the air. I grew up in Northern California by the sea. School started on or around September 10th. The air was crisp, sweaters a must and my classroom always smelled of pencil shavings (one of my favorite scents in all the world!). Even today, as certifiably old as I’ve become – I fill my desk to overflowing with pens and pencils of every stripe and color. I have black lined paper suitable for fluorescent gel pens, inks that flow in turquoise, magenta and flamenco pink. This - when everything I compose, I compose on the computer. But I cannot resist the draw of stocking up on school supplies. So yes – that bouquet of sharpened pencils would find a happy home here.

[Tink]

You write so fluidly and beautifully. Your posts are always a joy to read.

Whenever I walk into a school I'm surprised to find that the time went by so quickly. As a kid it was the WORLD as I knew it and it never seemed like it would end. Now I look back and wonder where it went. And I still love the smell of sharpened pencils, even though I never use them.

[Ben]

I think maybe you should let your kids read that...

[Arabella]

I love the idea of getting yourself a fresh box of pencils. I'd pick up a notebook, too. Life is changing, but change can be good.

[boogiemum]

I've got tears in my eyes over here. I was just thinking how my youngest is starting school this year, only a few days a week, but its a big step and I was a little melancholy over that. Then I pop onto your site and lose it!

Wonderful post, once again...

[Nils]

" ... it is almost time for me to recognize the limits of my own influence and to accept that the wider world's inhabitants will have a greater power and sway over the course of my childrens' lives. That I will always be "mother" is a given, but the imprtance of that role and the guiding wisdom I haveto offer will have less relevance as the years pass."

With respect, I disagree. Entirely. I believe you seriously underestimate your influence on these boys' lives and underestimate as well the lasting effect of that influence.

"The child is the father of the man". And a mother like you not only gives birth to that child, she helps shape him into the man he becomes. The influence and effect is powerful, lasting (permanent, in fact) and in this case, I have no doubt of its positive nature.

Revel in the bittersweetness of your boys' first passages into manhood. But never for one moment believe that your influence wans as time moves along.

Ever see a pro football player on the sidelines wave into the camera and mouth "Hi, Dad!"?

[mamatulip]

Such a bittersweet moment, this is...

[lildb]

oh, good god. I'm already a basketcase about my son growing up. and he's one.

this post makes my whole torso ache.

it's wonderful, and it breaks my soul into a lot of pieces.

[Nap Queen]

The great thing about raising such wonderful kids (besides the obvious) is that they'll probably come home to visit quite a bit :) These are the posts that make me want to have children one day.

Oh, and I always did those damn foam rollers for the first day of school, and it was always a disappointment :(

[mothergoosemouse]

What a vivid picture you painted. Even reading the line about the first day of school being tomorrow, before you launched into the description, I felt that old familiar pit of excitement and dread in my stomach. So long ago, and yet it feels like yesterday.

Congratulations to all of the Halfs. (Halves?) You really are an inspiration, especially to those of us just beginning the journey.

[jane]

the similarities between our lives are remarkable, but i am a few years ahead of you on this. what i can tell you is that it is so hard at first. so hard! but kids like yours (and mine) enjoy coming home, and come home they will. and you will marvel at their maturity and at what cool people they have become. and you will celebrate their accomplishments and their growth just as you have all their lives. every new phase in our lives takes some getting used to. enjoy this last school year with all of them at the dinner table.

[Nancy]

Wah! Although here in Conn. we have another 15 days before school starts, you make me want to cry as my only is going to be a junior in h.s. this year. It is SO HARD to let go and let them grow and this year with him turning 16 has been the hardest. But I think with letting him go, I've also grown a little.
Beautiful post!