A Public Service Announcement

                                                                     

Dear Older Female Who Is Holding Up the Line at Barnes & Noble,

Please help me, as well as the man directly behind you, not to commit a brutal act of homicide right here in the bookstore's music section. This can only be accomplished when you fold up the tent you've so obviously set up here next to the register in order to obtain computer advice...and go home. Now. And then I will allow you to live another day.

You see, I am free to purchase my books anyplace in the store, but once I bring items from the front into the rear of the store where the music section is located (and I make a music or dvd selection) I have to stay right here. And the man in front of me? He just wanted to buy a cd. But we are captive in line behind you as you attempt to learn the ins and outs of your home computer from the man who is here merely to ring up our sales.

You look to be around the age of my own mother, so I'm  going to go out on a limb here and assume that the age of computers took you by surprise in a fashion similar to many of her generation. You thought retirement was a string of endless cups of coffee out in the garden and rereuns of "Murder, She Wrote" on cable. No one told you that your husband would buy a computer and that you would be plunged into the puzzling world of "the web" and expected to communicate with e-mail. 

So your husband purchased a CD. A CD that had DVD features included. And he's trying to make it work on his computer. And it won't because he's not doing it right. But instead of going to CompUSA or Circuit City to learn how to work his own computer, he inexplicably sends you in his stead. To Barnes & Noble, because--gosh, darn it--that's where he bought the pesky cd/dvd that's giving him so much trouble.  And clearly, you are the wrong person to send, given that you're still referring to the "cd tray" as "that drawer where the round thing sits".

So you stand at the cash register...not buying anything...but monopolizing the time of the innocent man who is politely trying to explain what CD-ROM does and why certain parts of the DVD have to be loaded into certain disc trays (even though you can't remember what your husband's computer looks like or what kind it is) and you stand there like a deer caught in the headlights (**blink. blink. blink**) and even those of us at the rear of the line can visualize the clerk's words sliding-without-catching on the smooth surface of the part of your brain reserved for working computers.

Evening comes and the moon rises. The life cycle of the fly is complete once again and I think I hear crickets, but it's really just that my leg hair has grown out while waiting for you to leave and it makes a chirping sound when I rub my legs together.  And then...and then you pull out the liner notes from the CD case and point to some lyrics and say, "WELL, WHEN WILL HE SEE THIS PART? WHEN WILL HE SEE THESE WORDS?"

So now he is expected to explain why lyrics don't show up on the computer screen. All of us sigh audibly, though you seem not to hear. I don't know whether to be angry with you for being so clueless as to try to get computer advice at the book/music store or with your husband who purchased said computer and then sent someone even less qualified than himself to find out how to operate it. And it was he who sent you...to the bookstore. 

If you know what's good for you, you'll leave right now. I've got my eye on the "Thin Man" series on DVD. Good movies. And there are quite a few of them. Packed together, they're the size of a small television, and if I hoist them high enough I just might be able to render you unconscious without drawing blood. Please do us all a favor and leave. And please...don't try to get help at the Container Store. I know they sold you the computer table upon which the offending machine rests, but they won't be able to help you with your computer either.  Besides...I think it's time for another "Murder, She Wrote". Go home.

Sincerely,
Wordgirl

Comments

[Nils]

I love you. That is all.

[Annie]

I can't believe the clerk was actually trying to talk her through it. I love this post, especially the description of your leg hair. Brilliant.

[toyfoto]

I laughed hysterically at this, especially the part about your envisioned Thin Man series demise of the old lady.

But I supposed I'd be more ticked at the cashier who was trying to be nice. He should have NO training whatsoever. All the people I ever meet in stores are similarly, and now I believe strategically, clueless. Had he been properly untrained, he might have scratched his head and said: 'Wait a second while I call a manager.'

Then that person, who routinely sits around drinking coffee all day, could explain to the woman that the thingy where the round gizmo goes is really merely a coffee holder.

[Mignon]

My mom used to run a satellite school for people reentering the work force (read: a hundred women from bridge club who found out too late their retirement wouldn't pay for their 4000 square foot motorhome). She told me on more than one occasion she had to remind her students not to put the mouse on the computer screen to move the cursor. And I thought toddlers were frustrating...

[Marcie]

I'm scared of getting old. I wonder what the future holds that will befuddle me so.
And do old people think they have an age earned right to inconvenience everyone or what? I love me some old people but come on now. I know my sweet Grandma does the same shit.

[Dawn]

life cycle of the fly? Pure, Fucking brilliance. I think I pee'd myself a little.

[J]

Way too funny. I love her wondering when the words are going to come up on the screen.

You know what I'm not looking forward to about getting old? Opening things. It's already almost impossible to open most packages, CDs, computer cases, ketchup bottles, etc, without breaking a nail or cutting myself. I can imagine when my hands aren't working so good that it will be hell.

[Elizabeth]

When I got to "the life cycle of the fly" I busted out laughing. You told this story so well I felt like I was standing in line with you.

But oh, that poor clerk. He should have handed her the number for her local parks & recreation center and suggested she check out "Using a computer for Seniors". Just you wait until it's us, and we can't figure out how to operate the computers of the future!

[Nina]

This is insanely funny. I can picture this happening in my mind. I have seen this lady before in MY local stores. I sent her home then, too.

[Her Bad Mother]

My leg hair just grew a little, in sympathy.

[mothergoosemouse]

I wish I could laugh, but because I can envision the scene so perfectly, my blood pressure is rising.

[Kristen]

That was my mother-in-law in line in front of you. And then she came home and called John and asked him in a panicked voice how to make the computer stop printing.

SIGH.

[TB]

Aw, I feel bad for the old gal. But the register clerk should have called someone else over to help her for sure. I probably would have loudly vocalized this as an option. You're nice enough to stand there and wait, while writing this post in your head of course.

[R. Robyn]

I don't know why the clerk would endure that. He should have told her to go across the street to Best Buy (undoubtedly there is one nearby).

[Laura]

Hi, delurking here. This post was absolute genius. Had I been drinking milk, I surely would have snorted it out. My fav part, the Thin Man. Heh.

[Dana]

I agree with all your commentors -pure brilliance. Hilarious post. And oh so true. The way you capture the truth of a situation is poetry. and the life cycle of the fly and the leg hair - yep, I have had my gut laugh for the day!

[cameo]

oh now, you are funny!

[Angela]

That clerk certainly showed the lady more than a fair share of compassion. I'm with TB, I feel for the old girl.

[V-Grrrl]

The line about the words sliding without catching on the smooth part of her brain responisible for computer operation is my favorite part of this. Brilliant writing.

The clerk should have offered to exchange the "defective" CD and sent the lady home to get it. End of story.

[boogiemum]

Wow, if I was the B&N clerk I would of wanted to kill the lady.

[Arabella]

I can't believe people like this exist.

Actually, yes, I can.

You have the patience of a saint for not hurling a stack of OED's in her direction.

[Danielle]

Now that is funny. Nice blog.

Visiting from CHBM...

[HollowSquirrel]

Oh damn. I'm trying not to take the lord's name in vein but HOLY CHRIST I can't help myself. My blood is boiling. I would have FLIPPED out, chucked my planned purchases and stomped away. Because I'm 2. Plus 32. Whatever.

[Brooke]

CRYING. CRYING I TELL YOU. The leg hair. Ohhhh the leg hair.

Next time bring me along. I'll just puke in her general direction. That should work.

[lildb]

see? spreadable genius. although, for this post, the bread it should be applied to is a hearty marbled rye.

you's my hero, lady.