On Notice

My emotions of late have been a big...um...jagged. Predictably unpredictable in that I don't ever know WHEN the mood will strike, but when it does? It's a bad one. Just so you know.  

Past experience with this kind of intense feeling would normally have me thinking I was pregnant, since the early weeks of that particular condition always brought forth thoughts and impulses historically attributed to Lizzy Borden. Halloween is awesome, but I'm trying to set aside all my scary thoughts for the year, and I count a fourth child among them.  I had Mr. Half neutered at least a decade ago and any pregnancy at my age--a number that is none of your damn business--would indicate that anything growing inside me (other than an ulcer) at the present time would probably have five heads and  twice as many sets of teeth with which to chew its way out of my retired uterus.

So, my only logical alternative is to assume that this THING which has me in its merciless, iron grip is real menopause, since it appears that I have dashed past the stage known as "peri-menopause", which is code for :  "I'm too young to be a sufferer, but I feel like crap and my attitude is worse."  This is--obviously-- bad news for me, but  (and I can't stress this point enough) it bodes doubly unfortunate for the rest of you, especially those who work with me, live with me, or possibly look at me wrong cut in front of me in the grocery store line. Even the elderly are not safe.  I apologize in advance.

Nevertheless, here's some stuff that has bugged me of late and I thought I'd share, since...well...that's the kind of person I am. A bitch, yes...but a bitch who shares. You're welcome.

1) People who start a sentence with "I hate to ask you this, but..." Know what? If you hate  to do it...then don't. Save us both some trouble and aggravation.

2) Middle-aged (or younger...I'm not discriminating here) parents who crowd your door with a dozen of their children ( Respect my personal space, people, or as I like to call it these days...the Blood Circle) and expect me to smile indulgently when they hold out a pillowcase to accept a Hershey bar from me on Halloween. Seriously? If I had tried that while my own kids were little, they'd have filed a motion for emancipation long ago. Have a little self respect! I'm not handing out liver transplants, just chocolate! Back the hell off of my front porch. Slowly.

3) Healthy Choice Cafe' Steamers taste like ASS...and not at all delicious as suggested by Julia Louis Dreyfus and the bald guy on the commercial. Can you say R-E-C-A-L-L?

4) The girl performing my torturous manicure today, who decided to crank the electric buffer up to high speed and nearly ripped off the fleshy parts of my finger. You know...THE PARTS THAT AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE SHINY??? Or bleeding? When you see smoke, it's time to stop. Next time, why don't you just use a belt sander?

5) The manual for my ESL (English as a Second Language) class which insists that correcting the verbal mistakes of a student whose first language is not English will only result in retarding their interest in participating further during group discussions and that if I will just model the desired word usage, the student will eventually self-correct and everything will be  just great.  Au contraire, idiots.

I know people --and some are actually good friends-- educated people who continue to mispronounce words in my presence, even after I take  great pains to MODEL the way the word is supposed to be said and it hasn't changed a thing. Not a damn thing! Know why? NO ONE IS LISTENING TO ME! Sorry for shouting. Actually, I'm not sorry at all, but you know who should be? Everyone who says "lying" when they should be saying "laying" and vice versa. Also? It's not vicey versey or visa versa. It's vice versa , which is Latin for "the other way around". Look it up...and then start saying it the right way, or I won't be responsible for my actions.

6) Ditto for women  wearing tight jeans (Hookers, PTA Moms and Pamela Anderson...you're all on the list!) and  impossibly high-heeled "ho" shoes. Don't bother paying  Tim Gunn to tell you what you look like, because I'll tell you for free. Don't forget the women at Wal-Mart who wear  too-small terrycloth shorts when what they OUGHT to be wearing are shorts made from a TABLECLOTH. ALL of it! And while we're at it? Stop hitting your children with your own shoes. That's just gross.

Unless I can get my hands on some cat tranquilizers pretty quickly, Thanksgiving is going to be ugly. This has been a public service announcement. Save yourselves.

Comments

[slouchy]

Amen to number one.

[Captain Dumbass]

Wow. It's nice to know there's a whole lotta' country plus an international border between us.

[Jay]

I think you mean "It's going to get entertaining!" rather than "ugly." haha ;-)

[Jenn @ Juggling Life]

If you're me and never did take that whole neutering step, you'd be in full-blown, OMG-not-a-change-of-life-baby mode. Which is why I still take the pill--which also helps with the symptoms you're talking about in case you want to check it out.

[apathy lounge]

Jenn-

The pill made me completely nuts. For the sake of everyone around me I had to stop taking it.

[The Other Laura]

Oh honey! I'm right there with you. According to my little chart I keep for my gyn I have had 2 periods so far this year. I was in such a snit on Sunday I seriously considered just hiding in the closet for the rest of the day...

[Mary]

Laughing over here. Not at you, but with you. I had the old peri-menopause thing for 10 years. Skipping it is a good thing. It's menopause with random periods. Go to the doctor for a check up. Could be lots of reasons you want to chew someone's face off. Maybe just a vitamin deficiency. Ask for some Xanax while you're there. Couldn't hurt.

[Nance]

At least you have an excuse.

And I am SO JEALOUS of you. I'm 50 and still having the regular robust periods of a 13-year old. I am SO READY for menopause. Even the peri- kind.

Sorry to overshare. It's my pathology.

[ralph]

1. in full agreement.
2. JUST chocolate?!
3. if you indulge in something called "healthy choice", there's a reasonable chance it will in fact taste like ass. or something very close to it.
4. you should put that in the suggestions box.
5. amen! a hearty one at that.
6. i guess you can lend them my shoes.

[anna see]

Oh my goodness! I really enjoyed this rant. Glad I'm not the only grumpy one around!

I tried that whole "model the right word use thing" for years w/ my fellow English teacher friend. She used "I" instead of "me." Never worked.

[apathy lounge]

Not to divulge info that might be too personal in an unwelcome way, but Aunt Flo still makes a very regular visit. Bitchiness, however, is in full swing.

[J]

My daughter keeps begging me for a little brother or sister. I try explaining to her about the three eyes thing, but she says, "Adopt." Damn logic.

One of my best friends still writes "loose" for "lose", and says "me and her". I've actually been rude enough to correct her. Didn't help.

[Jamie]

I'm also laughing with you. There are days that I don't even like MYSELF! Sometimes, I want to look behind me to see who just said that thing that came out of my mouth because I'm sure that it wasn't me. Even my beloved kitty has begun to hide from me. And this can last how long?!

[Janer]

Great rant! I'm laughing with you, too ... except,upon rereading, you don't seem to be laughing ... so I'll just back away slowly.

[Khadra]

I have Xanax...come on over.

[Debbie]

Ha! Right there with ya!! My innards are acting up and my attitude goes right along with 'em.

Totally on board with the last point. I once gave a presentation at an elementary and the volunteer mom who was my contact showed up in these super tight jeans, lacey cami and stiletto heels. I was dying to ask her where we going to clubbing after the presentation. And, what clubs were open at two o'clock in the AFTERNOON???

[clickmom]

ditto x 6

[prashant]

Laughing over here. Not at you, but with you. I had the old peri-menopause thing for 10 years. Skipping it is a good thing. Work from home India