Remembering to Wear Shorts: And Other Important Lessons About Starting Over

Despite the fact that I spent my formative years as a skinny, World Class Spazz who could neither play any sport competently nor move about an uncrowded room with anything remotely resembling grace, I surprised myself by walking onto the track team during my freshman year of college.

What makes a person do something like this? Stupidity comes to mind.

Before you decide that--perhaps-- I've been slightly mistaken regarding my oftmentioned battle with self-confidence, let me tell you right here and now that there is something besides confidence which allowed me to do something as uncharacteristically ballsy assertive as lacing up my raggedy Adidas and showing up at the football stadium with about 50 complete strangers as though I had been doing it all my life...and here it is:

I did not know that I couldn't

That didn't make me quite as clueless as the guy who used to stand behind me in church choir thinking in all earnestness that he could sing...when he was really so tone deaf that his voice made cattle restless for miles. He didn't know he couldn't sing, but it was apparent to everyone around him.

The difference was that I could run. Had I been running long? N-o-o-o.....not really. Could I run fast? Yes, I was faster than a lot of the people I knew and ran with. I met with the coach and he did some preliminary work with me and told me to come aboard. I was, in his estimation, faster than your average person who hadn't been running...but certainly not fast enough against people who had. All I heard was that I was fast.

But as I was warming up with these gifted athletes and then lining up with them in the starting blocks (which felt as though I was bracing my feet against giant staplers) and then found myself--after the starting gun went off--roughly a quarter of a mile behind everyone else in a matter of seconds I learned a valuable lesson: My mad playground skillz at being the first to reach the swingset each day during the 4th grade didn't mean crap to me now.

Still, people were kind. I was 18 and it was obvious to me now that during the years I  spent reading Victoria Holt mysteries from the library and ticking off anxious afternoons watching "Dark Shadows", other people had been outside...running. Here I was...ready to start something new and already I found that it was--in a way--too late for me. Too late to compete against people who had been preparing for this day in a way that I had not. Because I didn't know.

I spent that unseasonably cold semester working out every afternoon after classes and waking up at 5 a.m. every dark Friday morning to run with the team. We lifted weights and worked drills and I managed to learn how to come out of the starting block without falling over. And then I capped off my brilliant track career by showing up for the Inter-Squad Relays in my usual white team-issued sweats. When it came time for my heat I watched as everyone else stripped off their warmups and urged me to do the same.

And that's when I learned that I should have been wearing shorts under my sweatpants. Shorts that would have allowed me to look as though I knew what I was doing (within reason). Shorts that would have--and I feel dumb about this even now--possibly disguised the fact that I was wearing hot pink underwear which glowed like a beacon from afar through the thin white sweatpants which I could not remove because--hey, no shorts!--and now everyone could see that morning's choice of lingerie from the top bench of the stadium. Humiliation doesn't even begin to cover it any better than those pants covered the color of my underwear.

I came in last (surprise!).

I wrote my letter of resignation the next week. Not that it would have made a difference to the team, but the coach wrote me a lovely letter in response which I still have. He told me to come back any time.

It would make sense if I had stopped running at that point, but I didn't. I ran all the time after that. I took running for a college PE credit. I ran for study breaks with friends. I got asked to play adult soccer after I graduated and I did that for almost 20 years. I started doing 5Ks and 10Ks...and then I trained for and completed a marathon. That was ten years ago. Somewhere in there I forgot to keep running, so I'm really back where I started. Faster than other non-running people, but slower than my running compadres. When will I learn?

So, I'm starting all over again. Unfortunately, I've let myself slack off until I'm only j-u-s-t able to finish a 5K without throwing up at the end. I can't blame the getting older (okay...I could) or not having the same body I used to (yes, I'm definitely blaming that). I can blame the fact that I was doing other things while my peers were out beating the pavement every day. I could beat myself up for that or I could simply pretend that it's not too late for a do-over. Isn't that sorta like pretending that you don't know that you can't do something?

So every day (give or take) I walk the half-mile from my house to the university track here in town. And I do my sprints. I could--if I wanted--do my workout from any number of trails here that wind through the parks and along the river. But it makes more sense to me to start off again the way I did all those years ago. I know for certain that one time around in between those white-striped lanes is a quarter mile. I don't have to think about it. I turn my iPod to 70s music, double-tie my laces and I take off. Slower than before, but running nonetheless. That's my shadow against the red of the lane beneath me. Not winning any races...but still moving. It may be too late to run another marathon.

But I'm going to pretend I don't know that.

And if I squint just right, the crepe myrtle blossoms blowing and collecting in the grass look like victory confetti. You know...the kind they throw at winners when they cross the finish line...

Comments

[Tink]

My whole life I've wanted to be athletic... Even if it was just a little. But sadly, I run, jump and kick like a duck.

[shonda]

Like Tink, I, too, always wanted to be athletic. I was decent at softball, although it took me twice as much practice to be that as it did for those outstanding athletes to be, well, outstanding.

[Becca]

What a great story!! I joined the university's club swim team when I was a freshman. I've never worked so hard in my life! I had to learn everything too and in my first of two races in the only swim meet I've ever participated in in my LIFE the only reason I was able to finish was because I didn't think I'd be able to haul myself out of the pool on the deep end. But it was a great experience. Good luck with your comeback!

[NancyJak]

Congratulations for starting again! I've run for recreation and weight loss in the past but I'm afraid my knees wouldn't like it anymore.
I too am unathletic (no eye to hand coordination) but I can out cheerlead anyone!
I've always found that going back to the beginning always works best.

[Fold My Laundry Please]

I ran cross country and track in high school and kept running through college (though not on any teams). Somewhere along the way, I stopped. I started up again this past may and have completed 3 different 5K's this summer. I didn't set any record breaking times (40-45 minutes each time), but at least I did it. It's just so hard to add something else to an already busy schedule. Now I have to plan my workouts around when the kids are sleeping, eating, and requiring rides to school and other activities. So if I don't get out of the house for my run before 7 am, I'm plain out of luck for that day. And 7 am comes awfully early when you're up late every night cleaning up after the 5 other household residents and the messy trail they leave behind them throughout the day. I end up going out about once a week and once a week just isn't getting me in shape the way I had hoped. You might be back at square one, but I seem to be stuck there!

[annie]

I was never a runner but I took it up last October at 36 years old. I have been running all year and do 3 miles in 30 minutes consistently, track or treadmill. I'm not fast, but it keeps my heart rate up, my pants size down and my sanity within fingertips reach. It has saved me through these last 6 months of stress. I hope you find yourself again in your runs.

[clickmom]

It's not about your time but how good you feel afterwards. Run for fun.

[Jenn @ Juggling Life]

I'm an athlete but not a runner. I wish I was. When I was in HS and ran to stay fit for field hockey my hubby to be would run with me--backwards.

You go girl!

[JCK]

I love that line...I DID NOT KNOW THAT I COULDN'T. This was a great post. I am not a runner. At. All. By any stretch. But, I can relate to the sentiment.

And...you got me at Victoria Holt novels. LOVED THEM!

[CircusKelli]

You know that episode of friends where Phoebe runs all goofy. I'm athletic like that. :)

Go ahead and run for those of us who look like Phoebe!

[ms. changes pants while driving]

it TOTALLY looks like confetti! i want it.

[Debbie]

I went out for track in high school. I had this stupid idea that of course, I would be good. Just because I WANTED to be! I quit after the very first day!! Very embarrassed that I couldn't even run the 3 miles that the coach told us to go and do.

[CaptainDumbass]

I loved running and did it for years until I discovered that I had a congenital hip disorder and that running was slowly destroying everything from my hips down. I still miss it.

Pink undies, hee hee.

[Whit]

I'm sure you looked better in your shorts than I did in mine.

[Beth]

Love this. Never been a runner, never will be. But I like reading about other people running. :)

[phd in yogurtry]

Wow - I'm so impressed you walked onto that college track team! AND eventually ran a marathon! Incredible.

Oh and I love the white crepe myrtle as confetti -- great writing!

[Claudious]

My track experience was so similar to this one, I didn't finish last, but I didn't finish first either. I called it quits after my first night, not because I couldn't do it, and I know I'm good enough, I just didn't like the people, don't care for the competition, and getting home at ten at night was also dumb, I didn't live for school.

[HIlary]

Good for you.. a bit older, a bit wiser and a bit less inclined to wear hot pink undies to the track. You'll do great. :)

[Janet]

Once again, our early lives are eerily similar, right down to Dark Shadows and Victoria Holt. I never joined the track team though. (I don't run, although I made a few half-hearted attempts in my early 20s as a way to keep fit.) Spazz is a perfect description of my high school self (although it might still apply in certain instances). People got the greatest joy out of seeing me fall over. And it didn't take much, but during PE games of dodge ball and the like were particular favorites of everyone but me. I did play softball well out of college for a couple of work teams, and I took up rock climbing at age 34. Now THERE"s a sport I could get into. Hike up to the rock, put on a rope, climb up, rappel down. No running.

[V-Grrrl]

I ran track and road raced thorugh high school, then was a casual runner into my late 20s.

Then my back demanded that I stop running. I walk about four miles three times a week now. I hike when I can. I love being out in the woods but I miss running with every fiber of my being. Miss it. Miss it. Miss it.