Stormy Weather

I marvel at the way certain bloggers can unleash the contents of their heart upon an unsuspecting internet readership. And for the most part...I respect it. I also envy it.

Marital woes, parenting issues, friendships gone awry, careers in crisis, emotional traumas, health concerns...everywhere you turn there are people who seek solace in the virtual arms of individuals who "listen with their eyes" each time they click your link. Some have become good friends and others remain perfect strangers.

Despite what some might think about the exclusivity implied by a few of the self-named Alpha Mom bloggers, I admit that I'm blown away by the candid writings of bloggers like Heather Armstrong (Dooce)...a woman whose parents have yet to ex-communicate her from their family for writing from the head as well as the heart. I know that I could never get away with even a fraction of what she says without creating more chaos with my family or origin than already exists at the present time. It's why they still don't know about this blog.

Trust me on this. We wouldn't be able to get past the "hello, how are you?" portion of a phone conversation before something I had written would be brought up and after spending no less than an hour trying to explain myself I would quickly lose the will to live. In view of this one would be hard pressed to convince me that I haven't proved to be somewhat of a disappointment because I've chosen to veer from the deeply rutted road I was expected to travel. Either that or just keep my mouth shut about my views as I was asked to do last night.

Which is why I'm struggling with what to say tonight. There are a few really pleasant and uncontroversial things I could write in this space, but because I can't see my way past a very stupid conversation I had earlier with a family member, I feel weighed down. Uninspired. Speechless. And if you know me in real life, you'd understand how hard that last part is for me.

Do I share at least some of the blame for how badly things went? Yes, of course. Am I surprised that this conversation took this ugly turn? Not in the least. 

What I am surprised by is how frequently I wish things were different with us and how often I'm disappointed when they aren't...and aren't ever likely to be. And how I'm growing very tired of always being made to feel that being in the minority automatically makes my view wrong. And how lonely this often leaves me.

What do they call it when someone does the same thing over and over the same way and yet expects a different outcome? Oh yeah...they call that the definition of insanity.

*****Edited to add: If you're on my blogroll and I haven't commented lately, it might be because your Blogger/Blogspot commenting capability is set on OPEN ID. In theory, I should be able to plug my Typepad/Typekey identity in there and leave my thoughts, but--so far--it won't let me.

Comments

[Cheri]

"Friends are God's apology for relations." ~Hugh Kingsmill

[Not really an Alpha Mom, 'cept for my canine.]

Well, I'm Alpha in alias only. In real life I'm just way to casual (READ: lazy) to be high functioning.

When it comes to family relations I wonder if my expectations for personal growth and mutual understanding has been harmed by my watching of sappy TV dramas. Is it so wrong to expect resolution of long standing issues before the credits role?

[V-Grrrl]

I wasted too much of my adult life extricating myself from family expectations.

I'm done apologizing for who I am. Done explaining.

DONE.

I refuse to hide behind anonymity, as if what I have to say is wrong or shameful.

My husband stopped reading my blog, and at first I was disappointed but now I'm relieved.

[Dana]

Well, my family (including my husband) are unaware of my blog, and sometimes - in a passive aggressive way - I wish they would find it. They could, with a bit of a creative search, I made sure of that!

[Prof. J.]

Sorry about your day. I have family relationships just like that. Conversations with my relative often leave me sad, angry, and disappointed (in myself as well). Blessings.

[Wendy]

AB - know how you feel. I vented via email to a few close friends about an email I received last week & felt better. In the long run, the sender realized exactly what they were asking & knew it would be a stretch for me to comply & (I think) withdrew the question. I think if I'd blogged about it - things would have ended up pretty bad. I don't think the world (or those few people who read my blog) really need to know that much personal stuff!

[CircusKelli]

how frequently I wish things were different with us and how often I'm disappointed when they aren't...and aren't ever likely to be. And how I'm growing very tired of always being made to feel that being in the minority automatically makes my view wrong.

You have just described the relationship I have with my Mother and Sister.

Hugs.

[motherbumper]

I'm so muzzled that some days I just want to explode and babble it all on my blog but so called Catholic Guilt restrains me.

Nothing is easy to discuss in my family and while communication does exist, it exists with MAJOR FILTERS.

[Janet]

What a way to spend a day. Ugh. My sister and I have a pretty good relationship, but things get testy if we're in the same room for too long. Like say, 10 minutes. Hubby knows about and reads my blog (and yours too, he loves the name) but never comments and doesn't read many others, besides his sister and brother-in-law. My family does not know about my blog. I'm already the black sheep of the family with regard to religion and there are a couple of posts I've been contemplating that would not go down Well. At. All.

[mrs. chicken]

For as honest as I am on CAC, there i s plenty I don't share, in particular about my marriage and my mother. Oy.

That said, I can relate to what you've said here. I do the same, and each time I expect that the results will be different, that I'll be able to recapture a relationship that bears no resemblance to the one I have now.

It never works.

Hugs to you.

[Spamboy]

I know the feeling -- I had a couple ugly family conversations this weekend myself, and most of them were over stupid stuff (not saying hi before complaining about me not using a coaster, etc.).

I had a middle-school friend of mine email me over the weekend, and I struggled over whether to write him back. Middle school wasn't the best of times for me, and because of it you may never see those "chapters" filled in my online book. It was that much of a mess.

[Becca]

So sorry!

[Melissa]

That's exactly why I keep my internet space sacred. I can't deal with my family and their reactions, so they know nothing about my secret cyber-life.

[Melissa]

That's exactly why I keep my internet space sacred. I can't deal with my family and their reactions, so they know nothing about my secret cyber-life.

[mamatulip]

As much as I share on my blog, there's a lot that doesn't go up. Sometimes it's hard not to write about it, but I know if I did all hell would break loose.

[Jennifer]

I know how you feel. For me, the most difficult of the family relationships have taken their inevitable course, but there are still a couple that can put me in the state of mind you describe.

I'm careful to keep my blog away from anyone who might be hurt (or worse, angry at me) by what I write. But I recently started writing about some family things, mostly from way back, and it's been really good for me. I'm not sure another outlet would have served as well.

Sending good thoughts.

[ann adams]

I keep the blog boringly upbeat most of the time but I can sure make up for it in email and IM. There are some things I just don't say because, like an idiot, I didn't know about user names and I'm not at all anonymous.

Alpha bloggers? That's funny. I "met" you through the comment boxes (I think on Sweet Juniper but I could be wrong - it's been a while) and just from your comments I considered you an Alpha Blogger long before I ever read your blog.

You're literate and very funny; an unbeatable combinaion.

[Lisa]

I assume this has something to do with the upcoming primary?? Everytime I sit down, the phone rings, and it's Barak Obama, or at least one of his minions asking if I need a ride to the polls. (I said no, but thought about asking if they'd take my kids to school and run by the store for me on the way back.)

Hang in there - how boring life would be if we didn't have family squabbles. Boring sounds nice, though...

[Candy]

I vent a lot on my blog, because if I can't tell you guys, who can I tell? The wonder of anonymity.

You can tell us, we won't rat you out.

[Jenn @ Juggling Life]

I think it's a struggle we all have. I am very hurt and upset by something my MIL did recently, but even though she has no idea my blog exists, I won't right about it. Should it be discovered, the price would be too high. I guess this what real-life friends are for.

[Julie Pippert]

GASP! I had no idea we shared the same family (and same life with them). And babe. Do I ever know that minority feeling and wrong thing and losing the will to live from the over and over.

But you've hit on why I have my personal censor rules that I have.

I hope you process through and get back to the other topics in your mind.

You can always write it out, then never post, or delete.

Take care.

[Tootsie Farklepants]

I could write volumes about extended family but I don't have the nerve. So I guess what I want to say it, I understand.

[Hilary]

I sure can understand and empathize with your and others' situation. On the other hand, much more often than not, I wish my family were more interested in reading what I post. Perspective eh?

[Jenny, Bloggess]

I can't imagine anyone being disappointed in you or anything you could say but then again, there are some really mental people out there.

It's not you. It's them.

[Kelly]

I'm honest about the trials of parenting young children, and to some degree, about my marriage. But I count both my husband and my mother and father as my readers, so I find myself censoring, a lot.

I'm sorry you feel down about that conversation, and also that you can't bang away on the keyboard and let it all out. But I get it, I do.