Today's post is written in honor of the Virtual Baby Shower being given for Julie (Mothergoosemouse) who is due to deliver her third child in the next week or so and.. if you haven't heard by now...this one is a boy. Her first. Herewith, some thoughts.
I remember one particular day in the teacher's lounge as I was eating ramen noodles and offering my sage parenting advice to a colleague who, unlike me, had children...and they were causing her no shortage of misery. At that time I was of the unwavering mind that a person's environment was far more influential in the upbringing of children than the complicated strands of DNA that contributed to an individual's behavioral infrastructure. It took having children of my own to realize two crucial bits of information that were missing from my limited observations that day.
1) People who have not raised children should never give unsolicited advice to those who have raised them or are in the process of doing so.
2) Nature AND Nurture play equally important--albeit mysterious-- roles in determining how a person turns out. In other words: In the same way that there are specific and unconscious behaviors that girls exhibit...boys will also be... boys. This should in no way give credence to traditonal thought which insists that the possession of man bits is a blank check for asshat behavior, because sucky attitudes are available in both genders and there is no excuse for either kind. It simply means that in the 18 years I have been a mother to sons, there are certain male behaviors that are present, regardless of parentage, geographical environment and whether or not you were potty trained before you could speak in fully developed paragraphs. I should elaborate.
** Once your son can hold himself upright it will be no time at all before you'll find him standing, walking, or reclining with one hand down his pants. It doesn't mean anything other than the fact that boys like to check their...uh...stuff as often and as unconsciously as they blink or breathe. There is no known cure.
**While it might be true that lowering a female baby into a warm bath causes them to pee spontaneously, you don't have to wear swim goggles unless you're bathing a baby boy. For intensity of stream and Olympic-quality distance, the peeing abilities of boys is truly something one must see to believe. The same is true when changing his diaper...unless you have a freakishly long pair of arms. Throwing a cloth diaper over the "region" just as your remove their diaper will protect your eyes...not to mention your son's eyes from a possible system failure. Yes...they can pee in their own eyes...and it really sets them off.
** Three words: Gross. Motor. Function. Because of this you will live to repeat those immortal words spoken by Bobby Brady (or was it Peter) to his brothers... "Mom always said 'Don't play ball in the house!'". Unfortunately, your son won't understand the cultural reference and this will launch a lecture series about the many valuable life lessons to be learned from repeated viewings of the Brady Bunch. But not before something gets broken.
**Girls use both sides of their brain at the same time. Boys don't. Giving a boy (who may well have the attention span of a sea monkey) a series of commands and then expecting him to execute (let alone remember) them is a fool's errand. So, "brush your teeth, pick up your room, put on your pants" is more effective if delivered in three separate installments. Otherwise you'll wind up like I did when I found my oldest several years ago: Sitting on the floor with one leg in a pant leg and the other...not...while reading a book. Sadly, this does not count this as multi-tasking.
** Although I am the oldest of three daughters I wasn't immune to the siren song of playing war/detective/cowboy. Toy guns/water guns were an added bonus to any imaginative role play when I was a kid. However, it was only the boys in our neighborhood who could replicate the staccato sound of machine gun fire. To this day my inability to do this is one of life's greatest mysteries and my sisters and other female friends were similarly afflicted.
** Similarly...while I viewed armaments as desired-but-not-absolutely-necessary accessories, they were essential to our male counterparts. The lack of weaponry was unthinkable and if supplies were low, a gun-shaped stick would suffice. So could a finger. Sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures, depending upon what it is you think you need at the time. A friend of mine told me about her pre-school son who was obsessed with the idea of guns to the point that it really bothered her and she took away all of his toy replicas. Even the Nerf guns. So one day at lunch, he chewed his sandwich into the shape of a gun...and shot her with it.
** You will never stop asking: "WHAT'S THAT SMELL?"
You'll also never stop marveling at this opportunity to give your daughters their first real male peer...as well as your son some loving sisters to school him in the many mysteries and abilities of the OTHER SEX. Not to mention that you're already well on your way in giving the world two strong and confident women. This little boy is an opportunity to offer society one more man who applauds intelligent and accomplished females. The high-pitched shrieks in your home will now be leavened by the dull bass roar of your new addition...as well as the other way around. But if you captured all that lovely noise on a vinyl record and played it backwards just like that legend about the Beatles song? The message it would deliver about you and your family...would be love. Congratulations, Julie. I'm just so thrilled for you.
I'm not quite sure how I got here, but I am certainly thrilled that I did!
Being the mother of 12 and 20 year old boys, and one 13 year old girl, this post had me laughing - HARD!
Posted by: Dana | January 21, 2008 at 04:44 AM
How very sweet.. and very true.
Posted by: Hilary | January 21, 2008 at 05:06 AM
I'm going to file this entry away for two reasons:
1 - Someday, maybe I will have boys.
2 - It'll be handy as a field guide for those of us without brothers. Male behaviour remains a mystery.
Big hug to you -- and congratulations to Julie! So exciting!
Posted by: canknitian | January 21, 2008 at 06:38 AM
As it happened, I raised one son & 3 daughters. My daughters love snakes, spiders, & creepy things - my son, not so much. Now I have 3 grandsons (one I'm raising) - they were all together yesterday & you are absolutely right - boys will be boys. I asked my husband to go tell the boys that even tho it's a plastic basketball & stand (blow up kind) if it falls, it can knock the lamp off the dresser. My husband's reply - "they have to play somewhere".
Posted by: Wendy | January 21, 2008 at 07:05 AM
Hee hee! We used to refer to "check" as "equipment check" -- as soon as my son's diaper was off his body, his hand flew down to do an equipment check. Once determined everything was still there, he was ok.
I won't forget the time when (as a baby) he grabbed and pulled and screamed, though. He only did that once... ;)
Oh! Also, we had two girls first, then one boy. Hubby always reminds me that Buddy is a boy -- especially when he does a very "boy" thing like running, jumping, or climbing -- anything that makes me hold my breath and check to make sure my heart is still beating...
Congrats, Julie!
Posted by: CircusKelli | January 21, 2008 at 07:21 AM
From another mom of three boys: I couldn't have said it better myself!
Posted by: DebbieDoesLife | January 21, 2008 at 07:28 AM
Congrats to Julie in case she is reading these comments. From a mom with a girl and two boys.
Anastasia...just want to say yet again, that I love your writing style. I don't know why you haven't been able to land that job in writing, but if nothing else, you should write a book! Forget waiting on someone else!
Posted by: Just Some Girl in Ohio | January 21, 2008 at 07:41 AM
You said it, sister. And weapons. Don't forget about their propensity for weapons. To shoot, hit, stab, strike, slash and MAKE UNGODLY AMOUNTS OF NOISE WITH!
Posted by: Melissa | January 21, 2008 at 07:41 AM
You said it, sister. And weapons. Don't forget about their propensity for weapons. To shoot, hit, stab, strike, slash and MAKE UNGODLY AMOUNTS OF NOISE WITH!
Posted by: Melissa | January 21, 2008 at 07:42 AM
You said it, sister. And weapons. Don't forget about their propensity for weapons. To shoot, hit, stab, strike, slash and MAKE UNGODLY AMOUNTS OF NOISE WITH!
Posted by: Melissa | January 21, 2008 at 07:42 AM
This is all so true.
This, though, cracked me up:
Once your son can hold himself upright it will be no time at all before you'll find him standing, walking, or reclining with one hand down his pants.
Posted by: mamatulip | January 21, 2008 at 07:49 AM
Amen to all of it. And, perhaps, one more:
Boys cannot stop fiddling with things until they are broken. They are wired to pick things up absentmindedly (even if these things are not theirs), epecially while talking to a grown-up about something BORING, and from there it's a short distance to the demise of these poor objects.
Posted by: slouching mom | January 21, 2008 at 08:11 AM
Spoken like a true "boy Mama"!! My two are 9 and 11 and man oh man are all of your points so true!!!!!
Posted by: Beth@sportsmomma | January 21, 2008 at 09:33 AM
I really think we should all work more Brady Bunch references into our lives. The world would be a better place.
Thanks for participating in the shower - what a great perspective you offer!
Posted by: mayberry | January 21, 2008 at 09:34 AM
"chewed his sandwich into the shape of a gun and shot her with it."
Best thing I've read all week.
Posted by: Jenny | January 21, 2008 at 09:49 AM
"So one day at lunch, he chewed his sandwich into the shape of a gun...and shot her with it."
I startled the cat I laughed so loud at that. Wonderful.
Posted by: Beth | January 21, 2008 at 10:05 AM
You really, REALLY got me. Not just because you've raised three boys (and still look so incredibly beautiful), and not just because your tales of your boys never fail to impress the socks off me. I appreciate your perspective on all matters, but certainly on this one in particular.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Posted by: Julie | January 21, 2008 at 10:06 AM
You really, REALLY got me. Not just because you've raised three boys (and still look so incredibly beautiful), and not just because your tales of your boys never fail to impress the socks off me. I appreciate your perspective on all matters, but certainly on this one in particular.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Posted by: Julie | January 21, 2008 at 10:06 AM
Three year old boy, as he's performing an "equipment check":
"Mom - are these my brains?
"Not yet, son. Not yet."
This post took my breath away - so funny and so thoughtful and so tender and soo, sooo true.
Posted by: Nils | January 21, 2008 at 11:17 AM
Since I have never had any kids I am an expert on raising them. ;-)
Posted by: Jay | January 21, 2008 at 11:55 AM
LOL - I think I'm glad that I have one girl...
Posted by: maggie | January 21, 2008 at 12:22 PM
Love the multitasking visual... so far my son seems to be more mellow, but who knows...
Posted by: selfmademom | January 21, 2008 at 12:41 PM
I laughed out loud at the sandwich gun, and my little boy ran over to me and tackled me to get a piece of my joy. Typical. Happy shower day!
Posted by: Cheryl | January 21, 2008 at 12:45 PM
I'm back to say...and I'm sure I've said it before...I LOVE that photo of your boys.
Posted by: canknitian | January 21, 2008 at 01:59 PM
I found you through Hilary & got such a laugh out of this post! When my son was 4, I was still debating whether I should let him have toy weapons...so one day I hear him making that machine-gun sound & discover he'd built one out of Legos, with some paper "grenades" stuffed in his pockets. It sure is a fun ride raising boys though :P
Posted by: Jo | January 21, 2008 at 02:11 PM